Last week I was sad, the week before I was ridiculously happy, acting as if everything was the same. This week, I was pissed. I tossed the balled up piece of desperation over the front of the desk, hoping a steady flow of customers would come in and help carry it to the nearest waste bin, but no such luck.
When the door did finally creak open, it was only James, lugging a good ten books under each arm. “Trashing the place?” He kicked the paper ball towards the side of the desk that had a door labeled “enter”.
I laughed, “No, I was hoping if I dropped enough on the floor, they would send themselves to Alaska. Then I wouldn’t have to pay the postage.”
My joke was not very funny, and made very little sense. But James humored me, and laughed. He bent over and picked up one of the pages and the same time, and began to read.
Normally, I would consider this a horrible offense, but tonight, I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of here, no arguments, no debates on how upset I sounded.
“Sounds a little, discouraging.” James peeked over the furrowed bit of paper with sad questioning eyes. My luck now a days was running low.
“You think?” I offered, “That’s why it was on the floor.”
“I mean, the content is good. But your tone is all wrong, sounds like you’re begging her to come home.” I laughed at these words, and found it hilarious that I had just been thinking the same exact thing. He set the paper down on the hard wood desk, still looking at me with confused eyes, obviously he didn‘t see how I found this funny. “Cass, you’re so dismayed all the time, you know your eighteenth birthday is next week, want to go out?”
Did he really just slip that in there? I asked myself, “Yeah, I know it’s next week.” And as I tilted my head in confusion and amazement, I noticed my shift was officially over, so I grabbed my messenger bag, keys, and my newest addition to my book shelf. Turning my back to him, trying not to meet his eyes, I made my way towards the front door.
“I’ll see you later James.” I exited the store with a half smile on my face, and some sorrow in my core. I began to feel the space between him and myself grow smaller, I quickened my pace, slamming the door behind me.
As I climbed into my semi new Jeep, I only heard his slight whimper. “Bye Cass.”
I had been breaking James’s heart since a week after I started working at Aldo’s. For a year, I felt his eyes on me. And another year, he prodded me constantly to go out on a date with him. Brody, or no Brody, he wanted to take me out. “Come on Cass, it wouldn’t be a date. We would just be, you know friends.” And I would laugh, play along. Some nights I would even flirt back when he complimented me. But I knew nothing would ever come from it.
After Brody died, he backed off. But, a month had almost passed, so his mourning time was over. Too bad mine wasn’t even close.
“What do you mean he asked you out!” Alice shouted across the booth at our usual night starting point, Rams Horn. This is where we would sit, and observe cute bus boys, plan out our night. Come up with good excuses for our moms when we came home late, or a little tipsy.
I sipped at my sugar, with a little coffee, and stared harshly at Alice. “Quiet down, will you?”
She laughed and rested her tensed body, “And you said no?” Her shock turned to disappointment.
“I didn’t say no,” And she perked up. “I just, kind of, well. I walked out.”
“You just walked out on him? That’s defeating the purpose of these nights.”
I took another sip of coffee, “I hate these nights.”
“We wouldn’t have these nights if I knew guys were asking you out in the daylight.” Alice picked up her coke and sipped on it brutally.
“Alice,” I begged her to not go any further.
“You know what Cass, he’s hot, and older.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a smile, “but only by three years.”
“That must be why you aren’t going out with him. He has a job. He’s nice. He’s hot. And he’s older. Not to mention alive!”
Any other night that would have hurt, but tonight, I was numb.
“I can totally see the reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with him.”
“Alice,” her eyes didn’t meet mine, the barely left the spot on the table she had been staring at for the last ten minutes, “I’ll go out with him.”
“No way.”
I sighed and took the bill that the waitress had just laid down at the end of our table, “Yes way.”
After paying, we walked out to my Jeep talking about our usual subjects, and I erupted. Feet planted and arms slung down to my side. I stopped in the center of the nearly empty parking lot.
“Cass, are you okay?”
“No,” I whispered, “I am not okay. I am sick of being sad, mad, lonely, and any other emotions I have felt in the past month.” I took a deep breath in. “I am sick of sitting in my room, wishing he was still laying on my bed next to me. I am over waiting for my cell phone to ring, and wishing it was his voice on the other end telling me everything is alright and it was just a huge mistake.”
My voice went from a whisper to a low bawl. Alice came next to me and smiled. “Well it’s about time.” She wrapped both arms around me, and laughed.
“He’s dead, I can’t let that keep me from living.” We jumped into my Jeep, and for once, I was excited to go out. To hop from one party to another. To give boys and men my phone number, or asked for theirs in return.
The sorrow I once felt for loosing Brody, now turned into resentment. I was finally free from his grasp, and was in desperate need to move on.
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