Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 11.

Joe wasn’t home, or that was what the high pitched male voice told me. Joe was home, I heard him in the background. “Just tell her I’m not home.”
Did he really think I wouldn’t hear?
Or maybe he decided to abandon me, like our family had done to him so many years ago. Has it really been five years since he left? I pondered this thought. Five years had gone by so fast. I was twelve then, seventeen now, and I was so innocent. Who would have thought that in just three years I would fall deeply in love with the one man I couldn’t keep forever and always. I know that thought never crossed through my mind at twelve, I was too busy with Barbie’s, and running away from boys on the playground.
Tossing the phone onto the dark wood in the middle of the hall, I glanced up at the clock. It was almost midnight. Almost my eighteenth birthday, and my family was nowhere to be found. I would spend my eighteenth birthday alone.
Knock, knock. A sudden bang on the front door petrified me and caused me to freeze in a defensive position. After a quick recovery, I flicked on the main hallway light and looked through the tiny glass peep-hole.
It was only James, a sudden sigh of relief flew out of my chest. I cracked open the door, only leaving room for my head to pop out. “Hey James!” There was too much excitement in my voice.
“Hey Cass,” he outstretched his right arm towards me, “I was going to come at midnight, but I guess a few minutes early doesn’t really matter.”
My eyes, still in shock that he was at my door, ultimately looked down to see a glittering ball of neatly arranged sunflowers. They weren’t in their natural state. A florist with too much time on his or her hands had taken out each individual sunflower and coated it with a different color glitter.
“Well,” James cleared his throat, “happy birthday!”
And for the first time, in a long time, I cried.



James sat with me for two hours, and let me cry on his shoulder.
“I am such a fool.” I told him.
“A fool?” He asked.
“I fell for a boy, and never accepted him as a man.” I managed to mumble.
“I don’t understand,” James replied.
“Neither do I.” I cried.
I wanted to sleep, right then and there. But James wouldn’t let me. “We have to go Cass, I still have another surprise for you.”
“Okay.” I stood up and opened the front door. “Let’s go.”

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 10.

“Cass?” Alice waved her free hand in front of my face, and my hand jutted out from under my chin and caused me to almost face plant straight down onto the hard wooden table.
I stood up and began to rummage through my purse, in search of any sort of currency. What are the chances I would actually pull Euros’ out of my purse? “Let’s go.” I pushed my crinkled American bills on the table, and walked towards the door.

When I got home, the house was horribly empty, as usual. I had wished for more siblings, considering, at a younger age my brother Joe had left my family for California.

“You’re a freak!” my dad yelled to my brother one night.
“Oh my.” my mother muttered after my dads outburst.
Luci, who happened to be over at the time, said nothing, and Joe just walked around the corner and up the stairs. As he passed Luci and I, sitting on the bottom step, I noticed he had a smile on his face. Once he reached the top step he let out a sigh and a casual laugh. Not the type of reaction you think he should have to my parents harsh words.
Ever since that night my father never looked at Joe the same. I am pretty sure they never made eye contact. My mother on the other hand was over catering the situation. She is constantly correcting herself to make every word out of her mouth more politically correct. Not to mention, I guess she feels the need to smother him and make him feel even more loved.
My brother is gay, not dieing, but my parents treated him like he has some sort of AIDS you don’t get from being a fag (not politically correct, but what else can I say?). My dad saw him as an outsider, my mother pitied him. Luci, who pretended it never happened until recently, took no position, and as for me, I knew it from the day I caught him sneaking in my room to borrow some pants.
I think I am the only person that treated him the same way. I still think of him as my funny eccentric older brother. But as I said, my dad and mother and I treated. Because, as my father says now a days, I never had a brother. And never will again.

As I walked the barren halls of my house, I became clearly aware that I had only blocked Joe out of my life because my parents had ordered me to. And like a silly young fool, I listened. Listening wasn’t my strong feature today, or many days past, so I picked up the hall phone and dialed the last number in the family phone book, even though our last name was Brass, and pressed the send button.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 9.

I had never been to this part of town. Everything was lit up, from the smallest corners, to the largest fields. Trees surrounded us, and Christmas lights were in excess at every turn. As if the moon, which was now full and shining bright, wouldn’t unmask this mysterious man, the twinkling lights added an extra touch. They made him shine, brighter, if that was ever possible.
After exiting his car, and walking into the open section of the field, filled with strangers, I could finally get a good look at all his basic outlining features.
His deep voice matched his hard exterior. Almost as tall as one of the trees nearby, and muscular, I would not be shocked if he belong to some sort of fight club. “Pro boxer?” I guessed at some point between the car and field. He snorted lightly and shook his head.
“A dance my lady?” I hadn’t even noticed the music, let alone all the people dancing around me.
I let him take my hand, “Only if I can get some answers.”
He grabbed my extended arm and pulled me close to himself, “Ask me your worse.”
“I got your name, how about age?”
“Ah,” he sighed, “you really don’t remember me.”
It wasn’t a question, more of a disbelief, so I didn’t answer. Just turned my head away as if I was ashamed by this.
“I am twenty years of age. ‘Not too old, not too young.’ as you described it.” That would be something I would say to a guy I chose to flirt with for a night.
“Okay, how did you know where I lived?” I expected him to be embarrassed by this question.
“You gave me your address, as well as phone number, not to mention your life story.” He pushed my body away from his, forcing me to spin under his left arm.
“And you didn’t just call me because…” I slammed back into him.
“I thought this would be more romantic.” He continued to lead my clumsy feat around the grass and gravel dance floor. “Besides, this is just like a dream, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I muttered, “just like a dream.” And right then and there, he dipped me, and we kissed. Under the moon, and stars, and all the twinkling white lights. It was perfect, the perfect dream.

“Too bad that’s all it was,” I explained to Alice the next day over chili cheese fries and coffee.
“Maybe it was a sign,” She tapped her cigarette on the glass ash tray, tossing all the ash into the center.
“Or,” I took a big sip of coffee and widened my eyes, “maybe I fell asleep watching some mushy movie, like The Notebook.”
Alice stared in disbelief that I had shot down her psychic feeling, “I know I usually go along with what you say about ‘signs’ and ‘karma’ but today, I just can’t buy it.”
“Well, at least tell me you told James that the whole pregnancy scare was you being a drunken fool.” She snorted and took a long drag from her newly lit cigarette.
I hadn’t told him, I refused to tell him. I would be angry with him, I thought I had a right to be. Me, pregnant, and drinking! As if. I cannot believe he would think I was that irresponsible. Besides, I had better things to think about dealing with.
Alice went on with her stories about boys and clothes that she had seen earlier that day at the mall, and all I could think about was how I wish I could draw. I had this image in my mind since I woke up, of this mysterious stranger in my dream.
Tall, almost a giant next to me. Thick brown hair that framed his face, and was just a bit longer in the back, than the front. Smooth skin, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and a smile that was somehow present on his face, without his lips ever parting.
Dark eyes. Those dark eyes were what I remembered most. They pierced into me, as if they had known me for years. But I had no way to break through that barrier to get to him. Get inside him, and understand what he was thinking.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 8.

I didn’t open my window for the stranger, but I flicked on my light, in order to keep him standing in the same place until I could make my way downstairs and sneak out the back door. Quickly, I slipped on my black and silver flip flops, and pulled a light gray sweater over my head. My hair, now pulled up into a messy bun, was embarrassingly filthy.
The sliding door opened with a squeal, which I had been trying to avoid, considering it was almost midnight, and my mother was probably fast asleep.
It was oddly cold outside, at least for this time of year. Early summers in Michigan were always slightly mild, but never this chilled. “Hello?” I stared into the dark yard and squinted hard in order to make out any figures that might have been standing in the yard.
Sticks began to break, and the stiff lawn began to crunch, “Hey Castel.”
I stepped back in shock, my full name. I hadn’t heard it in forever.
“Castel, I know that’s you, so don’t try to runaway.”
Who was this stranger, how did they know me, and my full name? I never told anyone my full name if I had just met them, so I must have known this stranger well. Would that still make him a stranger?
“Castel, you came all the way down here.” He laughed behind his dark shadow. “You might as well talk to me.”
I debated turning away and running for the door, but instead I cleared my throat and in a soft voice asked, “Who are you?” The question was innocent enough.
“You can’t be serious.” Anger grew in his voice.
“I am,” I stiffened in defense, “very.”
“You’re kidding right.”
I stood still, waiting for him to revel himself to me. Instead, he walked towards me, and to my right, leaving the backyard by hopping over our sliver chain link fence.
“What the fuck?” I screeched in his ongoing direction, and immediately began to follow him. As I hopped over the linked fence, two strong hands reached out and grabbed my sides. “Thanks.” I muttered.
“I’m just glad you figured out that I wanted you to follow.” He laughed, soft and deep.
I nodded and pulled up my sinking sweatpants, “You never told me your…”
“I’m Darik, by the way.” A sigh came out of him, and I could see his stance tense up and then relax.
“Oh, well, thanks.” Guilt fell over me, Darik seemed nice enough.
“Don’t feel bad,” it’s like he knew what I was thinking, “you were pretty wasted when we met the other night.”
Before I could respond, he grabbed my hand and dragged me to the street, opened the passenger door to a slightly new, black, Charger, and threw me in.
Here goes nothing, I told myself. And as he turned the key in the ignition, I held my breath and held on for an interesting ride.
“Relax.” He cackled, and gently pushed his foot down on the gas pedal.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 7.

I spent the day in my bed, sitting cross-legged, and strumming my old Gibson J-50. I got a beat, and I knew exactly what made me angry, but I just couldn’t put any meaningful words together.

Hours passed, and so did my sudden feeling that I could write a new masterpiece. I traded my guitar for the remote, and fixed myself on my bed so I would be able to sit that way, comfortably, for hours.
Tick, and silence, tick, more silence.
“Who the fuck is tossing stones at my window?” I asked the television set I happened to be facing.
Standing up from my bed was an odd feeling. I felt as if I hadn’t moved in hours, in all reality I hadn’t really moved, except to go to the bathroom once or twice. Legs stiff, and butt numb, I wobbled towards my window that faced my dead end street.
I half expected it to be James, begging for my forgiveness. I even had a slightest bit of hope that it was Brody’s ghost, yes, his ghost, not him. But it was a stranger, a complete stranger. A completely, handsome, and wonderful creature, that I could not recognize. I must be loosing all hope if I can’t remember meeting this mysterious man.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 6.

“Baby!” I screamed out the passenger side window after getting into Alice’s car. “There is no way I am pregnant.”
“Well, if there’s no way, then why am I giving you my last thirteen bucks to buy a pregnancy test?” She turned the key hard in the ignition, put the car in reverse, and slammed her foot on the gas pedal.
The drive to CVS was short and sweet. We both tried to dredge up any memory we could from the previous night. “When did we even come in contact with James?” Alice asked, “Check your phone. Maybe you texted him.”
I flipped the phone open and scanned through all sent text messages. “Shit.” Alice’s slim face shot over for a quick glance, “I did text him.”
“Saying what? You were Prego?” No laugh came with this joke.
“No, telling him I needed a ride home, and where to come get me.” I shrugged, realizing this wasn’t very severe.
“Nothing about being sick or pregnant?” I scanned the rest of my outbox.
“Not a single thing.”
“Ha. Ha.” Alice began to laugh, loud, and deep.
As she hit the breaks and turned around, my head snapped in her direction, “What are you laughing about, I could be carrying Brody’s child and could not even know it!”
“Castle, you’re not pregnant. I just remembered something,” About time, I thought to myself, “you did text him, and when he actually showed up, you flipped. He was about to make a move on you, and you said you were pregnant!”
She pulled over to the side of the road, put the car in park, and bent forward as if she were in pain from laughing so hard. “Alice! This is not at all funny!”
“Yes, Cass. Yes, it is.”
I sat in silence as she put the car in drive.
By the time we got back to my house, I finally begin to see why Alice found this funny. I grabbed my messenger bag and climbed out of her car. “Can’t wait to clear this one up.” And I slammed the door shut.
Alice rolled down her window and shouted to me, “Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”
“Very funny!” I howled back.
“Next time some guy is trying to hit on me, I am just going to tell him I’m knocked up!”
She continued to laugh as the window reached the top of the car frames arch.

An hour later, I walked up to the store. And buy that little stick in a box.
Step one, pee. Step two, wait. Step three, realize it was a waste of time and thirteen dollars.
I now need two things; a cigarette and my guitar. Some serious writing needs to commence.






Did I mention that?
I write, music and lyrics. Just for fun of course. Occasionally I would play for Lucy, or rattle off my latest lines to my mother. This hasn’t happened in about a month though. You would think the death of someone close would inspire me, and fill me with emotions to convey onto paper.
It didn’t though. It basically drained me, and for the first time in a long time, I was filled with feelings. Rage, because James would think I was pregnant and drinking. Sadness, because for about thirty seconds, I was thrilled to possibly be caring Brody’s baby. And hate, for myself, and ever thinking that being pregnant would do anything but make my situation worse.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 5.

Thin streams of sun broke through my bamboo blinds. It had to be eleven, maybe twelve. I know I didn’t get in till at least three. I also know my mom didn’t question me when I walked in the door. As for everything else that happened last night, that is all a blur.
I recall many beers, and multiple shots. Instead of the usual strangers, I was surrounded by friends, most their faces painted with shock to see me happy. I downed shots; or I must have, because everything about the way I was feeling, told me I downed at least four or five.
“Vv vv v,” I could feel my phone vibrating beneath me. It must be Alice, I told myself, and answered without even looking at the caller ID.
“How much did I drink last night?” I asked, still assuming I knew the callers identity.
“I’m not sure, as much as I had.” It was Alice I heard, but her voice was coming from behind me, in my bed.
“Alice? If you’re in bed with me, then who is on the phone?” I pulled the speaker away, shocked the caller hadn’t hung up yet.
“Cass, it’s James.” Oh great.
“Hey James.” Alice sprang up next to me and crawled to the end of the bed.
“Ask him out.” She mouthed to me with a slight whisper escaping her lips.
“Fine,” I mouthed back. “Hey James, I was wondering if I could take you up on that proposal from last night.”
“Well, actually, that’s why I was calling. I don’t think it would be such a great idea.” There was a short silence on both ends of the line. “You know, after what you said last night.”
“Wait,” I tried to recall every conversation I had had last night. But nothing stood out. I talked to more people than usual, and that was all I could remember. “What did I say?”
“I don‘t think I should be the one to tell you what you said. And maybe you shouldn‘t be drinking so much, it‘s probably not good for the baby.” And the line clicked dead.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 4.

The letter had the opposite effect then I had planned it to. It was depressing, and begged her to come home. I picked up the piece of paper with both hands, held it in front of my face, and then smashed it into a ball. Frustration was my emotion of the week.
Last week I was sad, the week before I was ridiculously happy, acting as if everything was the same. This week, I was pissed. I tossed the balled up piece of desperation over the front of the desk, hoping a steady flow of customers would come in and help carry it to the nearest waste bin, but no such luck.
When the door did finally creak open, it was only James, lugging a good ten books under each arm. “Trashing the place?” He kicked the paper ball towards the side of the desk that had a door labeled “enter”.
I laughed, “No, I was hoping if I dropped enough on the floor, they would send themselves to Alaska. Then I wouldn’t have to pay the postage.”
My joke was not very funny, and made very little sense. But James humored me, and laughed. He bent over and picked up one of the pages and the same time, and began to read.
Normally, I would consider this a horrible offense, but tonight, I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of here, no arguments, no debates on how upset I sounded.
“Sounds a little, discouraging.” James peeked over the furrowed bit of paper with sad questioning eyes. My luck now a days was running low.
“You think?” I offered, “That’s why it was on the floor.”
“I mean, the content is good. But your tone is all wrong, sounds like you’re begging her to come home.” I laughed at these words, and found it hilarious that I had just been thinking the same exact thing. He set the paper down on the hard wood desk, still looking at me with confused eyes, obviously he didn‘t see how I found this funny. “Cass, you’re so dismayed all the time, you know your eighteenth birthday is next week, want to go out?”
Did he really just slip that in there? I asked myself, “Yeah, I know it’s next week.” And as I tilted my head in confusion and amazement, I noticed my shift was officially over, so I grabbed my messenger bag, keys, and my newest addition to my book shelf. Turning my back to him, trying not to meet his eyes, I made my way towards the front door.
“I’ll see you later James.” I exited the store with a half smile on my face, and some sorrow in my core. I began to feel the space between him and myself grow smaller, I quickened my pace, slamming the door behind me.
As I climbed into my semi new Jeep, I only heard his slight whimper. “Bye Cass.”
I had been breaking James’s heart since a week after I started working at Aldo’s. For a year, I felt his eyes on me. And another year, he prodded me constantly to go out on a date with him. Brody, or no Brody, he wanted to take me out. “Come on Cass, it wouldn’t be a date. We would just be, you know friends.” And I would laugh, play along. Some nights I would even flirt back when he complimented me. But I knew nothing would ever come from it.
After Brody died, he backed off. But, a month had almost passed, so his mourning time was over. Too bad mine wasn’t even close.

“What do you mean he asked you out!” Alice shouted across the booth at our usual night starting point, Rams Horn. This is where we would sit, and observe cute bus boys, plan out our night. Come up with good excuses for our moms when we came home late, or a little tipsy.
I sipped at my sugar, with a little coffee, and stared harshly at Alice. “Quiet down, will you?”
She laughed and rested her tensed body, “And you said no?” Her shock turned to disappointment.
“I didn’t say no,” And she perked up. “I just, kind of, well. I walked out.”
“You just walked out on him? That’s defeating the purpose of these nights.”
I took another sip of coffee, “I hate these nights.”
“We wouldn’t have these nights if I knew guys were asking you out in the daylight.” Alice picked up her coke and sipped on it brutally.
“Alice,” I begged her to not go any further.
“You know what Cass, he’s hot, and older.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a smile, “but only by three years.”
“That must be why you aren’t going out with him. He has a job. He’s nice. He’s hot. And he’s older. Not to mention alive!”
Any other night that would have hurt, but tonight, I was numb.
“I can totally see the reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with him.”
“Alice,” her eyes didn’t meet mine, the barely left the spot on the table she had been staring at for the last ten minutes, “I’ll go out with him.”
“No way.”
I sighed and took the bill that the waitress had just laid down at the end of our table, “Yes way.”
After paying, we walked out to my Jeep talking about our usual subjects, and I erupted. Feet planted and arms slung down to my side. I stopped in the center of the nearly empty parking lot.
“Cass, are you okay?”
“No,” I whispered, “I am not okay. I am sick of being sad, mad, lonely, and any other emotions I have felt in the past month.” I took a deep breath in. “I am sick of sitting in my room, wishing he was still laying on my bed next to me. I am over waiting for my cell phone to ring, and wishing it was his voice on the other end telling me everything is alright and it was just a huge mistake.”
My voice went from a whisper to a low bawl. Alice came next to me and smiled. “Well it’s about time.” She wrapped both arms around me, and laughed.
“He’s dead, I can’t let that keep me from living.” We jumped into my Jeep, and for once, I was excited to go out. To hop from one party to another. To give boys and men my phone number, or asked for theirs in return.
The sorrow I once felt for loosing Brody, now turned into resentment. I was finally free from his grasp, and was in desperate need to move on.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 3.

The first three hours flew by. The last two, dragged on like they always did. The foot traffic through the front door had come to a complete halt. This was the time of night I hated, because I got to sit down and think about the night I answered one phone, innocent, and dropped it from my ear, heartbroken.

Expecting it to be another person asking for the owner, or if we had a certain book they needed, I answered the phone “Aldo‘s Corner“, I immediately recognized Mr. Bragsted’s voice.
“Hey Mr. Bragsted, I haven’t talked to you in like two weeks!” I whispered into the receiver with great excitement.
About ten seconds passed, enough time for him to tell me what had happened, and the phone fell from my hand. Tracy, the owner, and James, her son, were startled at the sound of hallow plastic meeting the hard wood floor. They looked intently at me for a good thirty seconds, not too sure what was really going on, and then it happened.
My knees gave out, just like they had on the day Brody left me. Luckily James ran over just in time to throw him hands under my arms and carry me to the backroom.
“Cass?” Three different voices repeated my name multiple times.
Feet scattered, and water ran. Phones rang, but no one answered them. Customers came in, Tracy dealt with them.
“He’s dead.” Two words, I said these two words well semi aware of where I was, and suddenly woke up.
“Who’s dead Cass?” James prodded for an answer, hoping it wouldn’t be anything too severe.
“Wait,” Lucy pushed James out of my line of vision, “is it Brody, Cass?”
And I just cried. I cried so hard, they wouldn’t let me drive home. I cried so hard, I wouldn’t let them take me there either. I cried so hard, and they had to lay me down on the desk in the backroom. Laying a dozen paper hand towels under my head as a makeshift pillow. I cried so hard, the customers left. I cried so hard, Tracy closed early for the first time in years. I cried so hard, and they all stayed with me until the clock struck two in the morning, and I realized I would have to go home eventually.

Sitting at the front desk was the worst, especially when the phone rang. Each time I answered it, I feared that something someone said would strike up the emotions I held up all night. Asking for a book on the marines, that would make me nearly pass out. Even asking for a book that reminded me of Lucy, that brought a few tears to my eyes, but I never once let them fall.
I had worked at Aldo’s Corner for nearly four years, ever since freshman year. My love for books, that’s what made it the perfect job. The people weren’t bad either. From the beginning, James befriended me and tried his hardest to make me feel like I belonged there. As a shy fourteen year old, Tracy scared the shit out of me, and majority of the time I had to work alone with her.
Now, shelving books, it’s not that hard. And using a computer database isn’t very difficult either. But when you have a five foot ten woman standing over your shoulder, making sure you don’t make a single mistake, your risk for error is much greater. But I prevailed, and after awhile, Tracy would leave James and I alone to run the shop. And eventually she left me there alone too.
However; this wasn’t something that happened until after Brody had died. I guess she figured I needed some alone time, time to reflect, or even a hell of a lot of time to read, because the nights she scheduled me to work alone were the slowest nights of the week.
Reading was a great pleasure of mine. It was, but no longer is. I tried a few different books, but when I get to the last chapter, I had to put them down. Finishing a book seemed like putting such a permanent end to something I loved, and I am done with permanent endings, at least when it comes to things I love.
Think about it, you finish a book, and you always know the end. You can’t change it. You find it hard to even imagine it ending a different way. And although the fairy tails end, Happily Ever After, they still end.
Lucy felt this way, but that was before Brody’s death.
I had convinced James to ask Tracy to hire Lucy. Tracy was surprisingly anxious to hire her too, once she found out that Lucy had read just about every book in the store. I guess Tracy was getting sick of lying to customers, and telling them, “Oh, why yes. That is the best book I’ve read this year. It’s just so, oh I don’t even have the words.”
Lucy was our go to girl when a customer, or even one of us, had a question about books. Specific or in general. Now, she was a distant memory to the few customers that remembered her, and a exceedingly missed person in the backroom.
I sat at the front desk, and realized an hour had past. Great, I told myself, one more to go. I pulled the messenger bag I had lugged around by my side for the past month or so up to the top of the counter. I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucy for once, so I might as well write her.
I would keep it short and sweet. Not allow too many hints that I was alone a depressed, surrounded by books, and sorrow filled looks.

Dear Lucy,
You sure are well missed, not just by me either, James and Tracy miss you too. Tracy actually makes James read the reviews and Cliff Notes on every book that comes in the door now.
I know you didn’t expect to read a letter from me without hearing about the Brody situation. But I have good news on this home front, Alice has been forcing me to go out now, usually after work. I haven’t really met anyone yet, but she is sure as hell working on it.
Yesterday was spent cleaning out my room, everything that was his went. Even though I told my mother and Alice I rather get rid of my things and keep his. But I did keep a few things. The list includes: the folded flag from his funeral, his messenger bag, any letters he sent me well at his base, one of his green t-shirts that he probably wore while resting on base, and his engraved dog tag he gave me on the day he left.
Seems like a long list, doesn’t it? It did to me, after I wrote and reread it. But compared to what I did have, it feels like he has almost completely disappeared from my life. I guess that was the point.

Much Love. Castel.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 2.

Apparently, the time I thought I was blacked out, my mother thought I was having a panic attack. Due to the fact that I was stuttering and weeping like Brody was already dead. She even debated taking me to the emergency room, thinking that I needed to be put on some kind of medication.
I didn’t need anything that modern medicine could give me. I needed Brody, home, and I knew I would get what I wanted. Maybe sooner than I expected.

“The flowers were beautiful,” A strangers words came towards me as they passed by Brody and I to exit the church.
“I wish you a happy and love filled life,” Another stranger, this one shook my hand and pulled me in for a hug.
I know these people, I thought to myself. Why can’t I put faces to names anymore? Maybe it’s because the only face I wish to see now is laying behind me, is a black wooden casket, draped in an American Flag.
Peoples kind words could not retain me, I turned around and ripped the flag off the coffin, and untidily folded it up. Seeing it made me feel like an actress in a Carrie Underwood music video. And as much as I wished for this all to be “Just a Dream” I knew it wasn’t.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” The next unidentifiable face looked down at the flag in my hands and moved along as quick as he, or she, could to Brody’s father.
My mom made her way up the center isle towards me. “How about I get rid of that for you?” I didn’t disagree, and handed her the disrespected flag.
I followed as she slowly strolled over to Mr. Bragsted. After handing over the flag to it’s rightful owner, I turned away and began for the center set of doors. Two hands folded around my arms, and the feeling was horribly familiar.
“Cass, I want you to have this.” Brody’s dad had already refolded the flag respectfully, and held it out to me.
I spoke the first words I had spoken in three days, “I can’t, it’s for the family.”
“Cass, I have so many things of his. You get this, and may come by the house and take whatever else you want.” He pushed the flag into my chest, not allowing me to walk away without it.
“Thanks Mr. Bragsted.” And I turned away.
He was the nicest man I knew right now, and unlike Brody’s mom, he cared that his son had just died. Brody’s mom didn’t call me to see how I was, she didn’t even call Mr. Bragsted. She didn’t come to the funeral. I doubt she will show up at the memorial for all the marines that lost their life that day.
As my mother and I left the church through the open, white, front doorway, I looked over to her, smiled, and said, “At least Carrie got married before he died.”
My mom took her free hand and smoothed out the back of my hair, patted me on the back and slightly rubbed my shoulder. She did everything a mother could do to comfort her child, and I still felt every stressor in the world crash down on my shoulders. Only, instead of having someone to help with that load, I was stuck, and alone.
The weeks that followed the funeral were also my last two weeks of school. Everyone knew, the downfall of living in a small town. Everyone saw my scene at his funeral. Everyone felt as if they had to apologize to me, like they were the ones who planted the land mines. And everyone was surprisingly understanding when I said I didn’t want to talk about it.
Finals were easy, I only had two, a small perk of being a senior at Stellar High School. Yes, Stellar High School. I live in Stellar, Kansas. Possibly the most boring town in America.
Most students finished the year, and graduated, ready to face the world. The “real world”. Well, as I wrote in my English essay titled “How I Plan to Survive the Real World”, I think I have faced the real world, and I think most people do face it as teenagers. With all of our mood swings and short relationships. We face rejection, acceptation, heartbreak, pain, sorrow, happiness, and tragedy. And we do most of it in the same day, usually without complaint. Because we are teenagers, we can easily weather the rejection and pain, and we can cover it up with the small amusements life brings to us.

Graduation was three weeks ago, and I am wasting my summer away laying in bed, and trying to cry. Yes, I am trying to cry, because I haven’t cried since the day Mr. Bragsted called me with the news. My mom joked the other day that I was, in a way, telling the future when I had my blackout. It was too soon, and I thanked her. I almost cried. But no luck.
Other than sulking in my room, I have found time to work, five days a week if I’m lucky. It keeps my mind off everything that I don’t have anymore. My co-workers don’t seem to understand how I could come into work so soon after such a tragedy, considering that was where I was when I got Brody’s dad’s phone call.
As I thought back to that night, I recalled a lot of things I didn’t realize were happening around me. My mother was cursing at my step dad, telling him this event would haunt me for life. My best friend was speechless, at first, then decided it was the perfect time to reveal to me her plans of moving to Alaska were in high speed, and she would probably be leaving just a week or so after the funeral, not even finishing the school year.
Not only did I loose the boy I was in love with, I was also loosing my best friend, and my mother thought I was loosing my mind. I tried hard to remember that she had these plans before Brody died, and although she was friends with him, her staying home wouldn’t solve any problems. As for loosing my mind, I can’t say I even had it after he left for his base.
I made my way to the bathroom I shared with my mom and step dad, it was a mess as usual. A counter cluttered with hair brushes, cosmetics, and various other toiletries. I hated this, this disorganization. If it were up to me, we would take a family trip to Ikea and sort it all out in nice, neat, containers.
One glance in the mirror, and I remember what my reason was for being in the bathroom in the first place. Time to pin my hair up, in a very unflattering fashion, and head off to work.
My hair was dirty with leftover hairspray, and my faced begged for a brief tanning session. I was pale, and after closing the door and looking into the full length mirror, I had noticed the size of my waist was decreasing dramatically. My eyeliner was smeared, also from the night before, thanks to Alice, I was now going out at least one night a week. Trying to find my “Next soul mate.”
I had known Alice for years, but had never really gotten the courage to spend any time with her outside of school. Once Lucy had left for Alaska, I quickly realized that I couldn’t make it through the summer alone, so I gave Alice a call. Before I knew it, we were closer then I thought we would ever be.
From the very beginning, not a single conversation was awkward. I could be myself around her, and she accepted it. I could complain about Brody, and how he left me here alone, and she didn’t call me selfish or bitter. She listened, and I did my share of observing, listening too, but Alice had a way of moving that was so graceful, and it amazed me. She also had a way of slipping things into a conversation so I would agree to them, without even realizing what I was getting myself into. Like searching for my new soul mate. Thinking of which, I believe Alice and I have another match making appointment tonight after work.
I placed my arms on my hips and bent slightly forward, trying to deny my natural instincts to stand up straight. If I was only six or seven inches taller, I convinced myself, I would make a great model. But, I wasn’t a model, and never would be. By now, I have come to understand that I will be stuck in this small town for most of my twenties and maybe even thirties, serving pizza to selfish unaware customers and tourist.
Hair in an untidy bun on top of my head, and ratty t-shirt draped over my left arm, to throw on when I got to work, I grabbed my keys and made my way to the front door.
“I’m going to work!” I yelled through the house. No one responded, because no one was home. But I wasn’t trying to tell my missing family where I was going. I was just trying to let Brody know what my plans for the night were. And, I have convinced myself, if I try to talk to him long and loud enough, he will hear me. He will care, an although he won’t come back to me, I still have someone to confide in, and someone to keep me behaving and safe.
Man, I must have lost my mind. I was talking to someone who wasn’t around. Some people would call this praying. But I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in ghost. I don’t even believe in love anymore.
As I look at my cell phone to check for any new message, I notice I am late for work. Normally a horrible offense, but everyone is much more understandable at work now a days. Not just to me either, but each employee to another. It’s funny what a strangers death can do to some people. No real connection, and things can take a huge turn, just because a friend of a friend has died.
I had brought this up to Alice once, and she replied, somewhat scared of my reaction. “Maybe it‘s not his death they‘re morning. Maybe it‘s yours.”
Her words shocked me, but once they settled in, I understood them more clearly. I had died. My soul was gone. My loud spirit went with it. I was a different person. And Brody’s passing was the death of me.

Words your father never told you.

“I love it when you do that.” I whispered into his ear, and his grip tightened around me.
“Do what?” He gasped.
“That.” And I tucked my head into the same place I always did. Just below his collarbone, just above his ribs.
I didn’t need to tell him, and that’s why I loved him. It’s wasn’t just one thing I loved about him in that moment. I loved his voice, and the calmness it contained, even when he was sure to face death sooner rather than later. I loved his smile, and the way it could lift my mood from low and weary, to amused and forgiving of all the people who had brought my day down. And his eyes, I loved his eyes. A shade of blue I had yet to encounter in my seventeen years. Perhaps it was just everything else that I loved that made this simple, subtle, feature seem so much more intriguing, but nevertheless; I loved them.
“Come home to me.” I begged, at no point caring if I was being selfish or not.
He stepped back and took in a long deep breath, “I’ll try.”
That answer wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want him to try. I wanted him home. He hadn’t even left yet, and I wanted him home. Trying, required putting himself in danger, a danger I had only witnessed in nightmares. Bombs dropping, children screaming, the whole operation organized by the United States government.
“I’m scared,” I bellowed. I had trained myself for three days prior to this. I would think of him leaving, and even if I only felt one small tear run down the side of my face, I would make myself feel guilty for it. He is doing what he thinks is right. I would constantly tell myself, simultaneously smacking the side of my head in frustration.
And then he said something I didn’t expect to ever hear him say in his life, “I’m scared too.”
Suddenly a black cloud floated over the exact place we had been saying our goodbyes. It was the first time he had ever been scared. He was always strong, and always led me through the dark ally ways, and pushed away all my fears that shadowed over me through life.
It hurt, to see the pain in his eyes. Pain, like leaving me was taking half of his heart away, if only he knew. My life would not be the same after he left. My days, they’d be longer. My breaths, they’d be deeper, longer, and with each exhale, I would feel my heart breaking just a little more. He would have things to do, and keep his mind, as well as body, busy. I would just lay in bed all day, and write, just a few sad songs or poems.
“I have to go.” He began to draw his body away from mine.
“How about you just stay?” I pushed up against him, close enough to feel a laugh escape from his lips, and then I looked up. In one day, one hour nearly, I had seen so much more of him than I had seen of him in the past two years we had been together.
Tears began to run from his eyes. Any other day I would call him a baby and mutter something like, “You can’t cry, you’re a marine!”. But these words brought tears to my eyes just thinking about saying them.
He pushed me away, and leaned down for a kiss. A rush of emotion over took my body, and I turned my face away in disgust. “Look, I know you want me to stay, but I’m gone in an hour whether you like it or not.” His words bitter and filled with anger.
So I walked away.
He turned and did the same.
“I’ll be back.” He yelled from the end of my driveway.
“Okay Terminator!” I screamed back, and stopped facing my front door. If I could, I would collapse right here, but I prefer to pass out in my comfortable bed.
There was a presence behind me, but before I could turn around something fell around my neck. I touched the cold metal and traced the rectangular outline. Strong hands gripped each of my forearms and turned me around. Before I could refuse, he kissed me. Long and hard.
I knew my mother was watching from the front window, but for once I didn’t care. I didn’t care if she disapproved. I didn’t care if she thought I was wasting my time. I didn’t care if she found our acts of public displays inappropriate.
“Bye.” He turned towards the cab that had been waiting for at least twenty minutes.
And I stood silent on my front porch until the cab pulled away, and made it’s way down the street. I probably stood there without saying a word, or having to wipe a tear away from my dry face, until the cab dropped him off at the airport.
“Castel?” My mothers usual whisper was softer and less bitter than usual. Hearing my full name made me finally breakdown and start crying. No one used my full name, except my mom when I was in trouble.
In the past two years, the only other person to call me Castel was Brody. All my other friends just called me Stell, or Cass. But in all honesty, that was all it took. My mother calling me by my full name.
Before she could walk me through the front door, my knees gave out. My breaths grew deep and staggered. And everything went black.

improvement

as to recording a whole other song, I can't make any promises. But, I rerecorded this one a little better.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I found the following survey in my FaceBook history from last June:

How can I win your heart?
You would have to be pretty awesome to steal it from my man.

Do you like being mean?
I hate it.

When was the last time you really laughed?
Hmmm, talking with Eric and Nicole about Don's adult illiteracy.

Who knows a big secret about you?
Alex.

How long is your hair?
Just past the shoulders.

Do you like anyone now?
Sure do.

What did you have for breakfast?
A bagel and cream cheese.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Not even close.

Did you have a nap today?
I woke up for like an hour, and then took a half hour nap.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans.

When is your birthday?
August 3rd.

Do you think you're life will change dramatically before 2010?
Yeah, last year of high school.

Do you want someone you cant have?
No. I can have anyone. I got someone.

Are you a social or antisocial person?
Antisocial in most settings, but things depend as always.

Have the cops ever come to your house?
No.

Do you always wear your seat belt?
Always, except in Brandon's van.

What are you listening to right now?
Elisa :D

Can money buy happiness?
It can cause others that you dislike unhappiness, in return making you happy. Therefore, making you happy... YES, it has it's ways!

Are you looking forward to anything?
Getting my hair done, Jake's grad party, senior pictures, my birthday... long list.

List one of your fears?
The dark.

How are you?
My feet hurt, and all I can think of is peperoni pizza's, gah.

Anyone you would like to get things straight with?
No, I'm good.

Are you easy to get along with?
I try to be. To some I am too quiet, to others I'm too weird.

Will this Friday be a good one?
NO WORK! lol, I will probably just end up going bowling or to the movies with my lover.

Are you a loud person?
Usually, unless I am around new people.

How late did you stay up last night?
I think I passed out at like 12.

Any plans for tomorrow?
Hmm, sleeping in. Work 4 till 10 :D (more hours = great).

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yes.

What happened at 9:00 am today?
I woke up and read a couple chapters of my new book.

Do you like to cuddle?
Usually.

When will your next kiss be?
Hmm, tomorrow or Wednesday.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
Not too much.

You had sex last night, didnt you?
Umm, no. I don't think so at least.

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
Work today.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I'm sure.

Do you believe in karma?
Ha, after the other day? YES!

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
No way.

Has anyone put their arm around you in the past 5 days?
Yes.

What do you introduce yourself as?
Hmm, at Kyle's grad party I introduced my self as "Carley, Brandon's girlfriend."
But I usually say "Hey I'm Carley."

Do you live at home with your parents?
Unfortunately.

Have you ever found yourself somewhere and not remembering how you got there?
No.

Ever been arrested?
Nope.

Do you enjoy staying at home or hanging out with friends more?
I like to go out, anything to get out of my house.

Anyone you're giving up on?
I have my moments and thoughts, but they always pull through.

Do you like Subway?
I love it.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Kind of. I get past it.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Oh yes.

Can you sleep without blankets on you?
Nope.

Do you like to hold or be held?
Be held.

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Every time.

Would you go back in time to change anything?
Probably not.

Is it hard leaving people behind?
I've tried, and failed many times.

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
Everyday of my life.

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
Sure thing.

The last person you kissed on the lips said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
Yeah.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
No, every few weekends though.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
Yeah.

Are you against drugs/drinking/smoking?
Some drugs/ No/ And No.

Do you have trust issues?
Many.

Who is the last person you messaged on myspace?
Eric?

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
These shorts used to be Chad's. I stole them years ago.

What are you wearing, in detail?
Blue basketball shorts, Pudge Tigers shirt.

Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex?
Sure.

Have you ever had seagulls attack you at the beach?
Negative.

Are you a jealous person?
I can be.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Brandon.

Last person you shared food with?
Hmm, Brandon?

Have you ever dated the same person more than twice?
Yeah.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Very.

Are you satisfied with your life as of now?
Mostly.

Who was the last person you wanted to hit, and why?
Some guy that ordered at my work... Because I know he said Mushroom on all of the pizza, and all the Peperoni on one half.

The shirt your wearing, does anyone else have it?
A ton of people.

What were you doing at 3am?
Sleeping.

What movie do you really want to see right now?
The Hangover, again.

What was the last thing you drank?
Slurpee!

What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Took some headache meds.

If you could make your lips bigger, would you?
No, they are already pretty large.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Very much.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
Not really, just when the people I kind of know say hi.


After reading this I realized like two things, but one major.
I read the question "Do you think you've changed over the past year?
Not too much." And I realized, I have changed more as a person in the past three months then I had all of my junior year. I can honestly say I regret that.
I am more outgoing, more independent. I am a less nervous person, and it's easier to talk to new people. Not to mention it's nice not having a boyfriend for once. I can basically do whatever I want, whenever I want, and no one is there to complain about it. This is going to be a great year, whether anyone wants it to be or not.