textfromlastnight.com

It is the new Fmylife.com.
Here are some funny ones I found tonight.

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

(508): I'm so horny!
(781): I'm so hungry
(508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
(781): For your pussy...

(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

(559): Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

(402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

(404): I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
(770): she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
(404): You KNEW her power was out...

(858): Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

(607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits.

(763): there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it

(347): you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.

(571): he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

(651): So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

(516): i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...




and one last one.



(516): I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!