Carley has no life

NEW, link.

2010-09-23T10:20:00.000-04:00

http://collegegirlgoes.blogspot.com/

Go there, it's my new blog.

Woo. So exciting.

Blogging, or Lack Of.

2010-09-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in over two months. Why? Because after looking back at my old post, blogging about nothing is about as interesting and fun as starting bitchy Facebook statues all day. SO I will try to continue Blogging, but I am thinking of starting fresh, with a new page, layout everything.
I plan on doing what many have a hard time doing, and letting go, and erasing my past. Since I have another hour till my next class, and absolutely nothing to do, I will create this new blog, and get back to you with a link.

New Blog.

2010-07-15T23:14:00.003-04:00

It seems to me that the Chinese love to comment irrelevant things under all my post!
Anyways, I'm back. Back home, back to blogging.
My stuff is hardly unpacked, and I should be doing that right now, but it's getting old, packing and unpacking. So I am taking a break.
I am stoked for classes to start, and fall to be here. Monday's and Wednesday's I have classes from 9:10 til 12:45. Tuesday's and Thursday's I have classes from 9:10 til 1:20, and then another from 4:35 til 6:30 or something like that.
Monday's, Friday's, and Sunday's I work. Saturday I rest, or party, same thing really.
Anyways, I haven't been blogging much because this summer got pretty crazy and busy. But since my friends left for college last week, I have had a lot of extra time on my hands.

Oh well, I can't wait for school to start.

The Adult Thing

2010-07-07T22:38:00.002-04:00

No one blog's anymore!
Now that I got that out...
Due to certain situations that have arisen on the home front, I will be moving out sooner or later. And I don't mean in a year or two. I mean in a week or two.
I will be taking up residence with my cousin, if I get the okay form her boyfriend's brother who also lives there.

So here's to me being an adult, and being out on my own for the most part.

Something I Require

2010-06-30T04:31:00.003-04:00

This week is a good one. I got to see Eclipse, which I loved, and I am getting a nice pay check on Sunday. I also got an idea for a writing project. Nothing too original, but I'm going to go with it.
Now that I have this Macbook Pro, I realize I can easily take pictures all the time, so here's a great one of me.

In writing mode:

Sleep

2010-06-28T04:29:00.003-04:00

Party Pics :P

Sleeping is overrated. Who really needs it? Not me. I am filling out this here survey because A) I haven't posted anything in awhile, B) I haven't filled out one in awhile, and C) I am bored, but do not plan on sleeping till close to 6am.

What happened at 9:00 am today?
Al's alarm went off, so I woke up.

What's your current problem?
Man problems, well, boy problems.

Have you learned something new this week?
NY Diesel can f a b up.

Are you excited about anything today?
An empty house :D

Something you do when you are mad or upset?
Rant, or punch.

Do you delete people off of myspace?
I haven't been on Myspace in forever!

Did you cry at all today?
Yeah, I watched Remember Me, surprisingly sad.

Is there something you want to tell someone?
God yes.

Are you ticklish?
Embarrassingly.

Do you miss someone?
Chelsea!

Do you use an alarm clock?
The Nickolodeon alarm clock I've had forever.

What were you doing at 5 in the morning?
Waking up, surprisingly sober.

On average, what do you think you cry the most about?
Frustration.

What are you listening to?
Nothing.

How many girls would you just love to shoot?
One or two

Who was the last girl you talked to today?
Kelsey.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Sleeping in very late and working.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
Eh, you got to work for it too.

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
Yes, Kelsey and Tommy.

Is this year the best year of your life?
It's going to be.

Is there something you're looking forward to this month?
Um, no.

Have you ever been to an art museum?
The DIA and CAI.

What's most stressful right now?
People be stressing and freaking out about the smallest things. Their stress, causes me stress.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
Not a chance.

How old do people usually guess you are?
Younger than I am.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes.

Are you texting anybody?
Nope.

How many people do you have 'a thing' for right now?
Well, I am a single girl about to turn 18, 'a thing' consist of me see some attractive guy and yelling 'day-um!'

Where is the person you need most right now?
Their house.

Who was the last person in your bedroom other than yourself?
Mom?

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
A bunch of crap.

Has a boy put their arm around you in the past five days?
Yeah.

Do you tend to make things complicated?
Eh, yes.

How do you feel right now?
Hot!

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Hug, yes.

What friend do you tell the most to?
Kelsey.

How's your heart lately?
Bloody and beating.

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
Perhaps...

Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
Deadman's Hill, on the hill.

Do you wear glasses?
Everyday!

If you could do something differently, would you go back?
Nope.

What will you be doing in a half hour?
Falling asleep.

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone with?
Demetri.

Do you regret something you did yesterday?
No, it was an odd, yet awesome experience.

Do you like someone?
Yeah!

Are you sarcastic?
Duh.

When was the last time you smiled?
Um... I just smiled, just for this survey!

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Um 4. We drank, smoked, and passed out. I would've been out sooner, but some people wanted to talk about falling through the floor...

What is wrong with you right now?
I AM HOT.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
NO, NEVER!

Would you move to another country to be with the one you love?
Yeah.

What are you wearing right now?
White tank, green shorts.

Are you talking to someone while doing this?
No.

If a bear attacked you, would you know how to defend yourself?
Scream.

Do you like winter?
Yeah.

How clean is your room?
Not at all.

Do you currently want to scream at the top of your lungs?
I want to run through the halls of my high school.

What do you want right now?
A new book.

Do you like the color green?
It's my favorite color.

What book are you reading right now?
The Sky is Everywhere.

Do you think you can last for an hour without talking?
Yeah.

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
Sure, they are just grand.

Have you ever taken a bath with someone?
Sure.

Super Syked!

2010-06-10T16:16:00.002-04:00

Not because of the classes I registered for, but because I saw many attractive fraternity boys, and the whole aspect of starting college is rather exciting as well.
Now I know it doesn't really matter to anyone else, but here's my fall schedule:

Monday: Math 131 (9:10-10:00), Art History of Asia (11:30-12:45)
Tuesday: Math 131 (9:10-10:00), French 101 (11:30-1:20), Composition 105 (4:35-5:50)
Wednesday: Math 131 (9:10-10:00), Art History of Asia (11:30-12:45)
Thursday: Math 131 (9:10-10:00), French 101 (11:30-1:20), Composition 105 (4:35-5:50)

So I got out of having a Friday class, and I tried really hard to make a schedule that wouldn't affect my work or dance schedule. Well, I failed, ha. I am also less than pleased that I am going to have a math class everyday, and that I couldn't find an earlier comp class.
Anywhoser, it should be a fun semester! Woo for college.

College Life

2010-06-08T16:44:00.003-04:00

Freshmen Year

Post Senior Year

Thursday is my freshmen orientation. I am more than slightly nervous. I am very nervous, mostly because I have no clue what to expect. They tell us what we will be doing, but I don't know how to do these things. Basically, this is where my fear of new things really takes a major affect in my life.
With no doubts, I am sure everything will go well, but it's in my nature to worry anyways.

Now that I've officially graduated, people keep asking me if I feel any different since I know I am not going back to high school next year. The answer to that question is both, yes, and no.

No, I don't feel any different really. I mean, let's be serious, high school just ended less than a week ago. I am still looking through prom and graduation pictures that seem to appear in my news feed on Facebook every two minutes. I also haven't lost contact with any friends from graduation yet. My prediction is that once all the grad parties are over, and orientations have ended, and we've all started meeting new people, that is when it will sink in that I am no longer a high school student.

Yes, on occasion I start thinking about how I don't ever have to see the people I've strongly disliked over the past four years, and I am overjoyed. But that is pretty much the only aspect of life that has changed for me. (Besides the fact that I occasionally work till 10 now at work)

Nevertheless; I am excited to pick classes, meet new people to enjoy coffee with, and have a pretty kick ass summer. So here I go, into the world, as an adult? Gulp. Scary, isn't it?

911!

2010-06-04T22:15:00.002-04:00

I don't know why, but this seems like an emergency large enough to deserve it's own blog entry.
During the summer, my diet consist of: food from work, mac n' cheese, tuna, and RAMEN!
So, I was watching Man V. Food, and a Ramen restaurant was one of the challenges. I was craving some Ramen.
My house is notorious for ALWAYS having some Ramen either in the cupboard, or stored in the basement. So I go to the kitchen, no Ramen. Then I go to the basement, no Ramen. Then I go outside and ask my mom where all the Ramen is hiding. She tells me something I wish I could've gone my whole life without hearing, "I haven't bought Ramen in like three years, we must finally have ran out."
This was depressing. So I settled for tune, mixed with mayo and mustard, and Ritz crackers.

This was a sad night in the Fisher/ Hewitt household.

Final Day

2010-06-01T22:17:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is my final day of high school. I could not be happier! But, surprisingly, I am also quite sad. I realize now that it is really happening, this day we have all been counting down to for months. They said the year would fly by, and they were right. This morning, I said that these last two days would drag on because we are so close to the end. In reality, today went by fast, and I am sure tomorrow will go by even faster.My last day of high school will contain no first hour, a fake interview in second hour, a trip to student activities to award the Director her underground t-shirt in third hour, a test in fourth hour, a water balloon fight in fifth hour, and a ice cream sundae party in sixth hour.
I spent about ten minutes today decorating my van. It is pretty awesome.

A certain someone's mother told me that their child would like their car decorated too, so watch out! (:
They had a free photo booth at prom (: these were our best pictures of the night.

2010-06-01T12:49:00.002-04:00

Bye bye sociology class!

A Dream

2010-05-23T18:04:00.003-04:00

has come true. I now have long hair again (:

I've Given Up

2010-05-15T16:14:00.003-04:00

Yes I have given up, and thrown away, the mass majority of my cosmetics. I now have a bin on my desk that contains cover up, mascara, and several shades of brown eyeshadow. It took many many years of layering on the makeup to realize that I probably look better with less of it on. I probably wouldn't have come to this conclusion if my mouse Gus hadn't died. Weird connection, but I promise there is one.

The other day I had to remove Gus's cage from my desk, the one that holds my TV, books, and any products I use in the morning to get ready. After throwing out his cage, I decided that it was about time I cleaned off this white desk that was now covered with powders and hair product grime. I noticed that I had a shitload of makeup that I never wear, and perfume that I also never use. So I threw all that clutter away.

The remaining contents of my "Getting Ready" box now includes: Mousse, hairspray, water, D&G perfume, Axe deodorant, cover up, mascara, and brown eyeshadow. I would say this is a sign that I am growing up. Woo!

On that note, I have decided what I want to do for my 18th birthday, a strip club is involved I'm thinking. Oh it will be joyful!

The Cross I Bare

2010-05-10T13:26:00.004-04:00

On a daily basis, lately at least, I get sinus migraines. I don't think people can truly understand how horrible these can be, until they experience one. Since mine are sinus triggered, my personal symptoms are more than just the sensitivity to light and sound. I also usually end up on the bathroom floor due to drainage.

I have been getting them since I was very young, in elementary school, the secretaries in the office never believed my head actually hurt because I was down there at least three times a week with one. I get them less often now thanks to many years of weekly allergy shots. But the past week, I have had one almost everyday.

What makes my experience even worse, is that I start loosing my vision about an hour before the headache actually hits. So it's kind of like waiting for a big storm to hit. You see all the signs that it's coming, but can't really do anything about it, except wait it out.

This loss of vision seems to happen at the worst times too. Friday, for example, I went to school for two of six hours so I could take a math test. In 2nd hour I felt great, I was dancing and everything. But once 3rd hour came, and I started the test, my vision quickly became impaired.

Pills. People are constantly telling me to take pills, but they don't really help. The only thing that has ever made a headache go completely away, is weed. (Does that make me eligible for medical marijuana? I wish.) Lately a few hours of sleep, and then doing something to take my mind off the pain does the trick to make it go away.

So I am going to sleep now, and the doctors tomorrow. Unfortunatly, I called off work for tonight. But I have worked with this bad of a migraine before, and I thought I was going to pass out. So, it is days like today that I am very happy I have covered for others in the past. Nevertheless; I am still semi pissed that I mad it all 3 years without ever calling in sick. But I guess there is a first time for everything.

Skinny Jeans and Brown Platform Stilettos

2010-05-08T17:12:00.003-04:00

I must confess my love, for secondhand stores. From antique shops and your basic thrift, to places like Plato's Closet that cater just too teens. It may take some time, but if you thumb through everything at a decent pace, you can find some of the best things.
If I look to my left, I see the portable record player, and multiple records I've collected from different shops. To my right, are the pumps I found today at Plato's. And in front of me are the many picture frames I have acquired at DAV and the Salvation Army.
Some people may think they are too good for thrifting, or think the idea of wearing something that once belonged to someone else is gross. I think that it is a brilliant way to save some coin, and, truth be told, buy something that you know no one else owns.
Perhaps it's just because thrift clothes fit my personal style, but I find better clothing at thrift stores than I do at Forever 21. Retro is the way to go. That is my day to day motto. And if I'm not feeling retro, then plain and simple with some flair is the next best thing.
So, main point to this entry is: Shop at thrift stores, because you never know what great things you'll find.

Cross that off my list

2010-04-25T17:01:00.003-04:00

Do you have any clue how expensive hair is? I paid, well, my mom gave me most of the money, but I paid $80 for hair that will only be in for a month tops. I was going to just get clip in hair extensions, but believe it or not, they cost more than the stuff you glue in.
So, on Sunday May 24th, I will be going to Taylor and having my cousin dye my hair and glue the extensions in. She said they will stay in close to a month, but I don't know if I want them in for graduation. I am very picky about pictures, and I think that if I look back, I wont like that my appearance was altered so much.
Anyways, I am not really telling anyone in my prom group about them, or many people at school in general. So when I show up that Next Monday, I think some people's mouths will drop.
Not that many people from school read my blog, so I think it's safe to leak a picture of what they are going to look like. They wont be so thick though.

So all I have left to buy is a $50 ticket, a flower thing for my date. I also have to have $20 for my cousin, and $15 for my aunt when she does my hair on the day of prom.
As for nails, they're just a waste.

2010-04-22T22:50:00.003-04:00

With only 24 days of high school left, things like mock elections, announcement pickups, and many other things are starting to happen. After spending well over an hour counting today, I know that I am in the running for Worst Ride. These two things will be my legacy at Franklin. I am starting to see this graduation process as a bitter sweet thing.
I will have a great summer with friends, but many of them are moving away for college next year. And it's weird to think that I wont be seeing these same people on a daily basis, even the orange girls with white blonde hair. I will sort of miss laughing at them.
Anyways, college is becoming more of a realistic thing, and less of a fantasy. I got my placement scores in for math, and got placed in pre-calculus. I have decided to dodge that bullet and take intermediate algebra. Should be fun.
When it comes to my money issues, they are becoming, well, less of an issue. Due to five A's and one B on my latest report cards, mother has agreed to purchase my hair extensions. Woo.

Lets Talk Money

2010-04-18T01:21:00.002-04:00

Expenses of senior year:
In the next two months I will need to save up well over $200 for these senior year essentials:

Prom ticket
Prom hairstyling
^Hair extensions ^
Senior all night party ticket
Perhaps a Cedar Point ticket
Car insurance...

So, I'm kind of screwed. Luckily, if I don't bring up money issues with the mother, she wont remember I owe her car insurance. Woo!

A Month and Some Change

2010-04-13T15:37:00.004-04:00

Top picture: What we do in class... instead of work.

Bottom picture: Where we go when we skip class, Hines!

Let's see. One month, and two weeks? A month and a half. 33 days of school. One card marking.

Who knew this part of the year would come so fast? Our teachers did. They told us on the first day of classes in September. "All you seniors, this year is going to fly by." Of course we didn't believe them. This year was sure to drag on, even slower than the previous 3.

Now, our teachers are sending the same message, only adding a few extra notes to the end. "A month and a half left, then you are done. I know it's going to be hard, but you have to keep going, keep trying, till the very end." They tell us this, because, at Franklin seniors are notorious for coming back from spring break and going crazy. Senioritis kicks in.

The main symptoms of senioritis include procrastination, lack of motivation, a drop in academic performance, and "coasting". I experienced these symptoms already, but unlike many seniors, it was in the beginning of the year. My class schedule was 4 ridiculously easy classes, and 2 challenging ones. The easy ones; Community service, LMC work, student leadership, and debate, I had no problem keeping A's and high B's in those classes, but the hard ones; physics, and pre calculus were a struggle to maintain a C average.

Getting a high B first marking period in physics, I believed that trying wasn't something I needed to do anymore. Instead, I would talk to my friends, read, text, and joke around with my teacher all hour. I also didn't pass a single test with higher than a 69% during the second card marking. And I ended up failing my final also.

My teacher, Mr. Britton, didn't have much to say about it other than, "Well you always look happy in class." So I promised I would do better second semester, and I have. I have kept an A in the class for this whole marking period. Therefore proving; senioritis may have it's affects, but only if you let it.

Pre calculus was a different story. I did decent first marking period, scraping by with a low B on the report card, and actually doing better than most my friends. Then we started unit circles. I even recently found a journal entry I had written on day in student leadership, the hour before pre calculus. It read:

"5th hour is the easiest. Run passes, sit around doing homework,
or taking a nap on the couch. Today I attempted to teach myself
about unit circles. And by attempted, I mean I opened my book
and screamed out in fear.
Pre Calc, 6th hour, is the downfall of my day. I do work hard, I
can hardly maintain a C. But senior year has taken over, and I
only want to skip classes. And that my friend is why I am teaching
myself about the unit circle. Because I have skipped the past 3
days of calc.
Back to the scary unit circle."

In all truth, I did skip a lot of pre calc. The fact that it was 6th hour didn't help any. Once I started doing bad, I decided I'd rather drive around and skip class than sit and be told things, told, not taught. My head refused to absorb anything further when it came to calculus. So in the end I failed that card marking, and truly believe that Mr. Mills only gave me a 60% on the final so I would still get credit for taking his class.

This semester has been easy, although I would say my courses are a bit more challenging. Literature appreciation, keeps me reading. Research techniques, keeps my writing. Statistics, keeps me thinking. Physics, makes me apply all my math skills I have acquired in high school. Sociology, I am always doing some kind of project. And Community service, keeps me helping others, which I love to do.

I am hoping the 5 A's and high B I earned on this card marking will bring my GPA back up to a 3.1. But yesterday, I could feel the senioritis kicking back into my system. All hour in research, me and some of my friends talked about the most random things. So I really need to focus. I have 5 finals this semester, assuming I will be exempt from my statistics final because I meet the senior requirements needed to excuse yourself from any math final. 2 of the 5, I could do them now if I wanted. And I think I might get started on one today. Community service. Make a portfolio, considering I still have last semesters, it shouldn't be that hard.

But, I think senioritis is in me to stay. Because, as they say: The only cure for senioritis, is graduation.

Important Dates (in my life at least):
April 28th - Blocking dance rehearsal.
May 27th - Prom!
June 2nd - Last day of classes/ physics, research, and lit. appreciation finals.
June 3rd - Senior breakfast, cap and gown pick up, commencement rehearsal, and senior's "Final walk" (basically, we all walk through the halls, following Big Willy, our fearless leader. He sees it as the seniors saying goodbye to Franklin's halls. We see it as our chance to laugh at the underclassmen, because they are stuck there for at least another year).
June 5th - Commencements and senior all night party.
June 6th - My cousins baby shower, where I will be eating and sleeping due to the lack of.
June 10th - Freshman orientation /: uh oh.
June 12th - Dance recital.
June 19th - Mothers graduation party.
June 26th - Fathers graduation party.

Then I get to rest.
Now, it isn't often that I actually stay on topic and go so in depth in a single blog. So enjoy.

Personal Goals

2010-04-10T22:46:00.003-04:00

Over break, as I said, I went through many of my older pieces of writing.
I have come to realize one thing, I get distracted easily if I don't set a reasonable goal for myself.
I've been telling myself that I need to write a full on novel before even entering a college scene, well that thought is rather intimidating. So, I decided to start a new project. One with a more realistic finish line.
I don't know why, but something in my mind keeps telling me that I should try to write something that could be published, and that people deserve to read.

Five short stories, a solid goal.
Five short stories, from one page, to 50, it doesn't really matter.
Five short stories, each inspired by a picture my sister has taken during her last three years of college.
Ready. Set. Write.

Florida

2010-04-10T17:26:00.003-04:00

Florida was great, warm and all. I would go into detail, but I think it would be rude to describe the wonderfulness of it all. I will say one thing, it was an awfully long week, and I missed home after the first few days.
Never being to the ocean before made our first day at the beach an amazing experience. Too bad every day after that there were jelly fish all over the shore line. I guess one even washed over my shoulder when I was swimming.
Me and Alex played a ton of rummy, well over 100 games. We also watched many movies, and stole the minivan once to go to the grocery store. But there were a few points where boredom took over, so I finally took on the task of reading, and organizing the random documents in the folder on my desktop labeled "Writings". It was easy to see that my writing has gone up in maturity and skill.
Anyways, there were about 100 pieces. Over half of which were poems. I also found a folder of songs that I have recorded.
All in all, it was a great vacation. I'd say the only downside to the whole trip was the long ride home, and the fact that I missed so many Tigers games in a single week.
I will put up a couple pictures. But most are up on Facebook.

Tuition

2010-03-30T17:37:00.004-04:00

My award letter from University of Michigan-Dearborn came today.
After multiple grants from U of MD and a few federal loans, I will owe about $2,3oo for next year.
$15,000 a year for tuition, I better be famous after I graduate.

New Readers

2010-03-28T21:19:00.003-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that I have some new readers.
I would like to recommend you starting from my oldest post, and working your way forward.
That way, you get to see how much I have matured over the past few years.

Enjoy!

Tim Burton Lover

2010-03-26T12:17:00.002-04:00

I, as many know, am a huge fan of almost any movie with Tim Burton's name attached to it. I own multiple DVD's with his name on the cover, such as; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, and Beetlejuice, and probably a few others. To me, Tim Burton is a great director an producer. He takes a shy, pale, outsider, and shows how cruel the world can be to someone just because they are different.

With strong Gothic themes, and very dark humor, I am probably that annoying person you hear laughing when Johnny Depp is slitting throats of his multiple victims.

But, although I am a huge fan of his movies an animation's, I must agree with many critics and say that his new art exhibit is rather suckish. When brought to life, his creations are unique and genius. But on a blank canvas, they are rather amateur, and are to reminisce of Edward Gorey and Ralph Steadman. Not to say that all of his drawings were not original, many original sketches from movies like Edward Scissor Hands, and The Nightmare Before Christmas, that are rather interesting, but more for a fan of his movies, and not the average art conasewerw.

Brownies

2010-03-25T23:44:00.001-04:00

I am here to inform you o this: BUY THE PERFECT BROWNIE PAN! The brownies were awesome. Cooked equally throughout (: See my Facebook Wall Pictures to see the out come!

Perect Brownie Pan Set

2010-03-25T20:30:00.002-04:00

I recently discovered it. So, I figured since I needed to make brownies for a teacher of mine, I would try this thing out and see how it works. So far, it is small, and it seems as if a bigger hassle because you have to put the brownie pan on top of a cookie sheet, just in case there is "leakage" since the bottom of the brownie pan pops out.
But the brownies are also the reason why I am blogging from the kitchen, something that almost never happens. Long story short, I am one of two people putting together the Underground Senior T-Shirt for the class of 2010.

Front: High school was long and hard...
Back: That's what she said! Class of 2010.

Too bad the student activities director, Mrs. E, already knows about it. Doesn't really help that Eric and I used to talk about it right in front of her. So, we, well I, am making her brownies to suck up. Oh. I. Am. A. Genius! No one can resist brownies... Which I think are done! I will update later on how the divider worked!

Things I Come Up With When I Can't Sleep At Night

2010-03-22T23:06:00.005-04:00

Like A Ghost
I wonder what people would do at my funeral. I don’t expect them to be dancing or anything, but would they cry? Would they talk about my talents, or would they scold the life I was living that brought me to my demise? Maybe people wouldn’t even show up, or maybe they would show up in groves. Perhaps the people who I always thought were my close friends would pass on the last visit, and the people I had only talked to in my classes, and never outside of, would be the ones to gather around my cold deceased body and say their final goodbyes.
I am tempted to say that in death, you can find out who your true friends are, if only you were still living at the wake. But with death, comes those who run away and refuse to face the issue head on, like my best friend who would probably pass on the wake, the service, taking home a dark and prickly potted plant. And there are those who grow unnaturally closer to the person who has just passed, like that girl, the odd one who recently started dating one of my ex boyfriends, and sits next to me in social studies.
I am neither one of those people. But I, however, am not dead. Just dreaming, I will wake up soon.

I tried shutting my eyes.
I tried pinching my arm.
Why can’t I wake up?
Why am I staring at my body laying stiffly in a coffin?
I couldn't possibly be dead, I am looking straight at my body, floating above it.
Wait.
Floating.
Like a ghost.

I honestly don't know. One line pops in my head and I am forced to open my laptop and make record of it. Maybe that's why I sleep with it next to my head.

A List

2010-03-21T12:27:00.004-04:00

In my bedroom, I have many picture frames. Some contain pictures, others hold autographed band posters. But there is one that frames something that is a big motivator in my life. A piece of white lined paper, and between each blue line contains a goal that I am hoping to achieve. It is a page long. And every item I achieve, I cross off.
I currently have three crossed off: Makeover my room, sell something to a customer at work, and met someone famous. Nothing too major, but that is what this list is. Not insane things that I would love to do, but reasonable things that require some courage and effort on my part to make happen. Other things that are on this list that I would hope to cross off by the end of the summer are:New tattoo, road trip to nowhere, finish a writing project, grow hair past shoulders, go to a college orientation, learn how to work the pizza ovens and slicer at work, and single handily put Slipknot back together.
There are few more, that are more personal. And even some that aren't so personal, but if I were to list them here, then it would take much less bravery on my part, and I don't like to make things easier on myself.
I wrote this list on the 25th of January, and I haven't made much progress. But, when I came home from work Friday, I noticed the list propped up on my desk. It was almost sad. Three things out of thirty. Maybe it was because I was having such a crappy night, or maybe it was because I had was already pissed off, but I suddenly became determined to do these things, with the goal of bettering myself.
Ramblings of a seventeen year old girl? Sure, call it what you want. But I am going to start crossing some things off this list, and I know I will face obstacles. People might try to stop me, or tell me some of these things I will not get to do for one reason or another, but they have no power over me. Get in my way, and I will knock you out.

Great Dates

2010-03-18T23:29:00.004-04:00

Some great dates coming up, and far away:
March 27th - Placement exams.
April 1st - Pick up prom dress!
April 2nd - Leave for spring break in Florida, be home on the 8th(Got an awesome retro bathing suit top, as seen above! Ignore the gay face.)
May 27th - Prom <3
June 1st & 2nd - Senior finals.
June 3rd - Senior breakfast, and commencement walk through.
June 5th - Graduation, followed by Senior All Night Party.
June 6th - My cousin's baby shower.
June 10th - Freshman orientation.
June 12th - Dance recital.
June 19th - Graduation party at mothers.
June 20th - My worst hangover ever.
June 26th - Graduation party at fathers (with moon bounce!)
August 3rd - My 18th birthday!

Things I will do on/after this day?

Play bingo!
Go to a strip club with some of my friends.
Buy my own cigarettes.
Use the meat slicer at work! (I may need someone to come in Monday night around 11:30, we can party, and then I can slice something for the first time ever!)
I am going to the Tigers game hopefully.
Older men can legally hit on me.
Go clubbing.
Buy lotto tickets.
Get another, and many more tattoos/ piercings.
Go into bars.
Get my debit card.
Stay out all night, even if it isn't at a girlfriends house.
No curfew.
Vote.

Let's just say, I am syked about the rest of this year in general.

I am also very stoked to start college next year, and finish it in the planned four. It took forever, but I am finally becoming an adult, and I am proud of the choices I've made in the past because they make me who I am today.

Friday Nights

2010-03-13T20:03:00.004-05:00

{Photo by Amber Hewitt}

I thought my life was going pretty good, but then the events between 11pm and 3am happened on Friday night/ Saturday morning.
After leaving work at my usual 9pm dismissal, I quickly drove to the gas station, and then took the long way home with the window rolled down just enough to let in the smell of the coming rain. Once home, I quickly showered, did my hair, and dressed for what I thought would just be a couple hours of coffee.
A couple hours of coffee later, I was in the passenger seat of a friends car, singing Destiny's Child. Twenty minutes later, we were running around a deserted park, and swayed on some swings, until the coffee started to come back up from it's resting place.
Fifteen minutes later, I was tripping him in Meijer, and he was complaining that out of 30 checkout isles, only 3 were open. I had to mention that I thought even 3 was a bit excessive, considering it was two in the morning, and the only other people in the store were a couple small black families and a woman, who I later noticed was actually a man.
By 2:30, we decided to go to Detroit, and quickly decided to turn around when the rain started pelting down on the windshield. The mistake we made, was the exit we got off at to turn around. The surrounding neighborhood was slightly sketchy, so of course, instead of turning directly around my friend chose to turn into the neighborhood. Six deer were there to greet us, right off the service drive.
About 15 minutes later, we found our way back to the service drive, and my friend says, "We're going on that bridge." Thinking he meant the bridge we were about to drive over, I laughed and sighed, "Duh."
I didn't understand why he would tell me such a silly thing, that was until he parked at the corner of a street that held a closed party store and a crack house or two. We both got out of the car, locked it, and ran in the rain to the overpass, that overlooked 96. I had never been on one before, and wasn't expecting much, but I was proved wrong.
Pushing my forehead against the fence and looking down as cars passed directly beneath us, is one thing I know I will remember for months and hopefully years to come. It was amazing, because even though we were two white kids in Detroit and almost 3am, I felt in no danger whatsoever. (Let's face it, Detroit or not, being out at 3am poses some safety issues).
My friend and I had good talks, and ran back to his car, soaking wet from the ever falling rain. And as he merged onto the express way, he hit the gas and said, "Detroit is the undiscovered great city."
I laughed and replied, "No, it's more of a broken down beauty."

Broken down beauty
I have pride in you
Broken down beauty
I’ve roamed your dark streets
Broken down beauty
I’ve seen your glory
Broken down beauty
I’ve seen your demise
Broken down beauty
I was going to leave
Broken down beauty
I won’t even try
Broken down beauty
I have too much faith
Broke down beauty
I stand by your side
Broken down beauty
I know you’ll take stride

Copy Cat

2010-03-12T22:30:00.002-05:00

I watch many shows during the week. I watch few regularly. This year, I picked up Intervention and Hoarders on A&E. I am currently watching Four Weddings on TLC, and at my house there is just one channel separating TLC and A&E, so it was so easy to point out TLC's major copy cat violation.
I shall now introduce two of TLC's latest shows; Hoarders(Buried Alive) and Addiction.
I don't even need to explain the premise of these shows, I think it is pretty obvious.

Sociology

2010-03-12T13:05:00.001-05:00

I decided to take a break from my evolution paper, and Al and Joe decided to join me.

Prom Tab.

2010-03-10T17:19:00.002-05:00

Dress $300
Shoes $40
Alterations $110
Total - $450

Upcoming expenses:
Hair $20
Ticket $45
Limo $15

Overall total - $530

That's not covering the after party booze. But if I end up having a date then I don't have to worry about that, a ticket, or the limo, yay! Now I just need a date...

The Perfect Saturday!

2010-03-06T22:15:00.002-05:00

The perfect Saturday consist of a few, amazing things. Who knew the simple pleasure of driving around town with a window rolled halfway down would be so satisfying? The sun shined all day, and although I was my only company as I strolled into Westland Mall, I was not at all dismayed.
After leaving with a new pair of shades, a green skirt that couldn't possibly be any tighter, and a floral pink and purple tank top, I dialed my dad's number, in hopes that he would be up to an impromptu visit from his favorite daughter.
One hour, and a tank top change later, I drove home to the sweet sounds of Lil Jon, and John Mayer, and I made a quick realization. I had already driven past at least ten people I knew. It was as if, everyone had come out from their caves.
An hour later, Tommy and I began to wander around downtown Plymouth, and quickly settled down on a couch at The Bean. An hour of talking later, and we decided two things; using a cantaloupe is the best way to ask a girl to prom, and we want The Buried Life to speak at our graduation next June. And it was to me and Tommy's amazement, that it was still bright out when we walked towards his car at seven.
Once home, an empty home, I felt the need to clean. Didn't do much good, considering that Larry and Maya came home and made a new mess, that I didn't bother cleaning up yet. I did however, grab my laptop, cell phone, and some Tim Hortons, and began my long stay on the couch in the basement.

What a wonderful Saturday.

Prom Date.

2010-02-23T21:09:00.002-05:00

Prom Fashion Show was tonight. My dress was huge, and had many uncountable layers, which is why I would never really wear anything like it to prom. But I also got to turn down my first offer to prom.
It's funny really, because this kid, I find him to be somewhat annoying. But he says he asked me because I have pretty eyes... I'd prefer my prom date think I have some better assets, if you know what I'm saying.

He's going on about how nice I am, time to let him down easy.

Italy

2010-02-21T18:08:00.002-05:00

So, my plan is to use half of my graduation money to go to Italy this summer.

After doing some research, I found a site that would give me 4 days in a hotel in Rome, for about $1,500 per person.
Food is a major issue, luckily, Italy has food that can be very cheap.

Here's the other part of the plan. I need to meet a nice Italian boy, man, and I am sure I will be more cultured after the trip too.

The only problem I am having is finding someone to go with me. Boy, or girl, I don't really care, although I would feel more safe with a guy. I need someone that gets along easily with others, even if they don't speak English.

I Thought It Would Never Happen

2010-02-20T01:59:00.002-05:00

But I found coffee that is better than Rams Horn's coffee, and fifty cents cheaper.
Garden City Cafe. Pure awesome, and I was even told that the coffee wasn't as good as usual, but that may just be because of all the smoke that engulfed our table, anyways, it was still pretty great.

My Shutter Island review:
It was great. Suspenseful, I was dying to know what the hell was going on. Thrilling, but not really, I only jumped twice. I can't think of a good adjective, but it was amazing how it ended. Not in an, "Oh my Darwin, I didn't see that coming!" amazing, but a "Wow, I can't decide if I am happy with that." kind of ending.

I would have to say, out of the three movies I have seen this year, it was the best.

My birthday.

2010-02-16T23:11:00.002-05:00

I am supposed to be writing a paper on that right now. The rough draft is due tomorrow. So far, I have a bunch of random facts thrown together, and horribly organized.
I love to write, but when it comes to a topic that I really don't give a shit about, I write about them like I don't give a shit about them.
This attitude will probably have to go away for awhile, considering it's a research techniques class.
I have decided to post this blog for no reason. I am just procrastinating.

Before and after. Ten hours of work.

2010-02-14T09:52:00.004-05:00

Soft kiss and wine

2010-02-10T14:07:00.002-05:00

What a pretty friend of mine
We're finally intertwined
Nervous and shy for the moment we will come alive
Tonight
Secret valentine

So, snow day, I called it, as always. I am spending the day cleaning out my room so I can get all my new furniture this weekend. I have a lot of shit to get rid of.

As for Valentines day, this is the first one in two years that I don't have anyone to "be mine!" so here's the plan:
Plan A: Me, Alex, and her single 3o-something year old aunt Maria are having a sleep over. Watching sad movies, and eating some food.
Plan B: I am tagging along on Alex and Andy's date, if they are even having one.
Plan C: I'm going to hangout with JS after he's done hanging out with his woman.

Plan C sounds good, but so does A. I'm not really a plan B kind of girl!

112 days till the last day of high school (:

The List

2010-02-07T03:27:00.002-05:00

Alex and I went to the movies tonight and saw a sappy love comedy. When In Rome, very funny, good stuff. But we as we left, Alex brought up her "List", basically all the values her perfect man would have. So she helped me make mine.
The ones with +'s next to them are what she calls "Bonus points".

Shopping List:

Has a car
Has a license
Weighs more than me
Confident
In demand
Taller that 5’8”
Has a job
Plays piano +
Can sing +
Likes sports
Decent skin
Makes plans
Spontaneous
Creative
Not in high school
Has his own place
Is going or went to college +
Sets goals for his future
Doesn’t mind a smoker
Doesn’t mind occasional drug/ alcohol use
Likes Chinese food +
Chivalrous
Likes going out
Is social
My family likes him +
Looks good in hats
Breaks the law occasionally
Has an interesting family
Has siblings
Uses Facebook

In all reality, making this kind of thing is very juvenile, and I know it. But it was a fun process making it, so I thought I would share the crazy things that go through my mind.

This is Jordan Maben

2010-02-04T22:07:00.002-05:00

He is a musical genius, and I'm not just saying that. He is in orchestra, plays piano, and various string instruments too. He composed a song; so me and my girlfriends demanded he play it for us. I wish I had a better camera on my phone because it only would record 30 second parts, and the sound quality is shit. But here are two parts. My four friends and I were literally brought to tears while he played.

In short; I love my friends.

Run away

2010-01-31T18:43:00.003-05:00

So this is a first. I actually ran my most recent ex boyfriend out of the state! I want to be proud, but can't. My mother has denied me when I asked her to take me to the Tigers game on my birthday. Oh well.
My hair is brown. I get new classes tomorrow. I bought a new dress. And I have some semi-decent friends. Everything will be fine.

Well This Week Is Just Peachy

2010-01-26T21:02:00.002-05:00

Yes, finals are going horribly, and I may end up with a C, two D's, and three A's on my report card. I ran out of gas, and don't get paid till Friday. The reality of college kicked in today when I visited U of M-Dearborn. And the year isn't even half way over.
To add to this week or wonderfulness, I am now single, which I can't say is a horrible thing. So I refuse to let that ruin my week.
My social life is currently hanging by a thread, because no one really wants to hang out anymore.
And! I found out no one will take me to the Tigers V. Chicago White Sox game on my birthday /:

Someone must take me, I demand it.
But here are the classes I am ending my high school career with:

Lit. Appreciation
Research Techniques
Statistics
Physics
Sociology
Community Service

New room.

2010-01-17T20:09:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the first of a few steps to turning my room from "So high school" to something new, and a little more classy. My room currently consist of a mattress on a box spring, a black bookcase with shelves that are drooping because of the overbearing weight of books and movies, a brown and wide five drawer dresser, and a small white table holding up my new flat screen.
Now, my room looks horrible around this new flat screen TV. So I am finally getting all matching furniture.
Here's what I am probably getting.

Bring it on, but stop after the sequel.

2010-01-16T23:38:00.002-05:00

Bring It On, many people look down on this movie, but not I. At this very moment, I am actually watching the end, and eating a Big Mac (: This movie was, and still is a very good movie for it's particular storyline. Two rival teams face off, but in the end, the underprivileged team from the hood win.
This is also a great example of a movie franchise going too far.
Bring It On was followed by direct-to-film movies, Bring It On Again in 2004, Bring It On: All or Nothing in 2006, Bring It On: In It to Win It in 2007 and Bring It On: Fight to the Finish.
I can stomach half of Bring It On Again. But I feel sorry for Hayden Panettiere, because I am sure Bring It On: All of Nothing was a far step down from her inspirational role in Remember the Titans.
Although I have not seen the last two installments of the movies, I noticed a trend in majority of the films, and maybe this is what draws in those few viewers.
So here is the question I leave you with; why is it that whenever cheerleaders duel, it's between the white blond girls, and the hood-like black girls?

Coming home

2010-01-10T22:49:00.002-05:00

This years Coming Home theme is Circus Circus, and I have decided to vear away from the average knee length dress and silver dress heals.
How about a mid-thigh long, bright red, $11 dress from Forever 21, with some black leather ankle boots. Finished off with a high waisted belt of course!
The only mistake I made with this asamble, is, I tried it on without taking my pants off... So I didn't really see how short it was. So black shorts will be required under my fabulous dress.
Shannon is wearing a black shirt, red tie. We will be the hottest couple there! Well, maybe not, but at least in my group of friends.
Last year, I skipped coming home. Mainly because none of my friends were going, but also because I had a prom dress to pay off. This year; however, is different. My friends and I feel an obligation to go, even those who never go to dances, to go to Coming Home and prom this year, since it is our final ones.
Time to get to sleep, and a wonderful day of school in the morning and work at night. Ugh.

The remainder of senior year.

2010-01-09T16:57:00.002-05:00

Jan. 12th - Order cap and gown.
Jan. 18th - No school. Thanks MLK.
Jan 26th, 27th, 28th - Finals.
Jan. 29th - No school.
Feb. 15th, 16th - No school.
Feb. 27th - Coming Home.
March 9th - No school.
March 10th, 11th - Half days.
March 18th - No school.
April 2nd through 9th - Spring break in Florida.
April 19th - No school.
May 19th - No school.
May 27th - Prom.
May 28th, 31st - No school.
June 1st, 2nd - Senior finals!
June 3rd - Senior breakfast & commencement walk through.
June 5th - Commencements.

June 19th - Grad party at mothers.
June 26th - Grad party at fathers.

I could write all this over and over again, because it makes the year seem like it's finally coming to an end.

Bored in LMC

2010-01-05T08:42:00.000-05:00

This is my confessions...

2010-01-03T21:55:00.002-05:00

#51: I have a shopping problem, give me money, and I can buy something I will never use or wear.
#52: I have tried, and failed, to create an anonymous blog; in order to tell the truth about some parts of my life.
#53: I can finish a pint of Ben & Jerry's in less that 30 minutes.
#54: I don't stress eat, I eat out of boredom.
#55: A single compliment can make my day.
#56: I miss VHS tapes.
#57: My butt currently hurts.
#58: I put my books on a bookshelf to show off that I read a lot.
#59: I don't know why I dance. I'm not tall, thin, or very coordinated.
#60: A clean room freaks me out.
#61: I cannot wait for college next year so I can meet all new people, and use the summer to make myself over.
#62: I am passing up two offers to go to Florida this year, because I prefer an empty house to my family.
#63: If I want it bad enough, I really believe I can achieve it.
#64: The only reason I have become more involved in school this year, is with hopes that it will go by faster.
#65: If you read this, you either have no life, or actually are curious to know more about me.
#66: I prefer the Across the Universe version of most of The Beatles songs.
#67: I love writing about myself, ha.
#68: I drink half a Slurpee, and leave it to melt, then drink the other half.
#69: Procrastination is key.
#70: I buy DVD's, watch them once, and never touch them again (unless Will Ferrell is in them).
#71: I've had a crush on one guy for the past three years, it wont ever get anywhere, but I like to give myself props for not totally giving up yet.
#72: I don't think Robert Pattinson is very good looking.
#73: I drink pepto bismol, and I love the taste.
#74: As a young child, I was at the doctors at least once a week, and discovered that I hated being "The Sick Child".
#75: Classical music makes me cry, I don't know why.

Confessions

2010-01-02T19:53:00.003-05:00

So, the goal is to come up with 100 confessions, and write at least a two page story or antidote about the specified confession.
Might as well get started with my list.

Confession #1: I hit the roof of my van and call padiddle, when I'm alone.
#2: I strive to be like my older sister.
#3: I never get over an ex boyfriend.
#4: I pretend they never get over me.
#5: I wont drink a Slurpee if it has any other color straw, besides a green one.
#6: I was spoiled in my first serious relationship; therefore, my standards are too high.
#7: Caring what other people thought about me, I threw it out the window last summer.
#8: I love to write, but I am pretty bad at it.
#9: I don't care if my hair will fall out one day, I will keep dying it.
#10: Tanning makes me feel more attractive, I will stop when I see the first signs of skin cancer.
#11: When I was younger, I wished for sickness to be different.
#12: I don't strive to be better, I strive to set better goals for myself.
#13: My stupidest moments, I make up for them with wisdom in my writings.
#14: If it wasn't for my optimism, I am sure I would have gone into a deep depression sophomore year, and last October.
#15: I spend way too much of my money on food.
#16: I just got paid two days ago, where did my money go...
#17: I've dated a prude, a cocky jock, a druggie, and a USMC dropout, what else should I add to the list.
#18: Sometimes, I enjoy messing up.
#19: When you make fun of me, I find it horribly true, and funny.
#20: I crack my toes, knuckles, and back when I'm nervous.
#21: My nail biting isn't a nervous habit, it's a control issue.
#22: It's easier for me to fall asleep to Slipknot, rather than City and Colour.
#23: I can see myself still working at my first job, ten years from now.
#24: You cry, I cry, it's a reaction thing.
#25: I don't hate anyone.
#26: I feel the need to stand up for everyone, no matter what side of the fence I'm on.
#27: Call me a loner, I prefer the term "Independent".
#28: I will graduate from my high school; one hand with my middle finger held high, and the other holding a sign telling everyone to peace out.
#29: "I'm curvy and wholesome."
#30: My most valued possession is now a tattoo on the back of my neck.
#31: I broke up with a guy who had a job, a license, and was going to college. What the fuck was I thinking?
#32: I, obviously, get bored with relationships really easily.
#33: A shower without singing is like Amico's without pizza, it just can't happen!
#34: My hair is pissing me off, I'm going blond after graduation.
#35: My teddy bear is present every night in my bed.
#36: No you may not sleep on the left side of the bed! And no, I will not hold you.
#37: I still have sleepovers with my closest friend every month or so.
#38: Rams Horn, it's not a restaurant, it's a lifestyle.
#39: If a killer broke into my house, I would put some shoes on and hide in the tiny whole that is behind some wood in my closet.
#40: I currently see three half finished Starbucks Frappuccino bottles in my room, they were opened on Christmas day.
#41: I miss my long hair.
#42: In the past three years, I have lost thousands of pictures and writings because of computer crashes.
#43: I washed my van today, and probably wont do it again till it's warm enough to do it myself.
#44: Unlike you, I love my job, even though I want to shoot myself in the foot sometimes.
#45: I wear eyeliner, base, mascara, and brown shadow, everyday.
#46: I pull out my eyelashes if I keep my mascara on all night.
#47: New places scare me, and often give me panic attacks.
#48: I'm listening to Cute Is What We Aim For right now, the first band I was obsessed with in high school.
#49: One notebook is all I need to get me through half the year.
#50: I prefer the thrift store.

Ah, I got half!
I will try to edit and add more.

merry xmas.

2009-12-26T00:33:00.002-05:00

All I got for Christmas (:
Vizio 22'' flat screen tv.
DVD player.
Twilight bored game.
Twilight "Scene It" game.
Green, 16GB, Ipod Nano.
Lil Wayne shirt.
2 Converse shirts.
Slippers.
Supper soft red, short, robe.
Fedora.
Random jewelery.
4 pack of Starbucks Frapps.
Lots of underwear (Santa never seems to forget).
Nail polish.
Lotion.

Gift Cards:
7 Eleven.
2 Starbucks.
Itunes.

Total Cash:
About $190, not including the $100 from my grandparents, that I already spent.

I must say I made out.
Now, I must save at least $50, and spend like $40 online.

My tree is bigger than yours (:

2009-12-23T23:44:00.002-05:00

So, it is almost Christmas eve, and all is still.
Except, my mouse is stirring, actually for the past few weeks, it's been scaling the walls of it's cage trying to escape. I don't understand why.
Perhaps it's because my room scares it.
I haven't done laundry in two weeks, and I have officially ran out of clothes today.
If you happened to run into me, I was wearing a flannel top, white tank, and black leggings. I dressed it up with a high waisted belt, and my favorite boots! So it does prove one thing, I am very resourceful.
I still need to wrap presents, and make some others.
I am starting to hate Christmas.
But I will enjoy it the day after.

week 5.

2009-12-06T22:56:00.001-05:00

I notice very little difference, and I am about to give up.

Community Bonding

2009-12-05T23:22:00.002-05:00

I have never been a huge fan of the community bonding activities that happen inside the square that Plymouth, Inkster, Joy, and Middle Belt road make.
The picnics, I laugh at their failure. The garage sales, I don't bother even browsing. And the egg hunt, I secretly wish for rain. But tonight was different.
My mother, knowing I was dying while being stuck in the house, invited me to a neighborhood function at Wilson Barn. Caroling, hot chocolate, cookies, and fun. I didn't expect it to be, so I invited Shannon along to suffer with me.
We arrived to a packed barn, a small section of the Franklin choir, and Santa, who after a few failed attempts, finally came to town. And although I did not make my way to the long line for hot coco, I did find a good spot on the wall and chilled out with Shannon.
Twenty minutes later, Santa came to town, and the small children lined up to sit on his lap. And although I really wanted to get in line also, I decided to do Shannon a favor, and leave.
The event was more fun then I thought it would be. Maybe it was because watching people sing Frosty the Snowman warmed my soul, or maybe it was the creepy old guy that walked past us and said "Nice hickey." to Shannon. But it was probably the fact that for those twenty minutes, I was genuinely happy, and I blame all the people I was with for that.
Damn you community, I was normal and depressed living here, and you made me forget for almost half an hour! Oh well, I have returned to normal.
Can't wait to get out of here!

Week 4.

2009-11-29T20:27:00.002-05:00

These pictures don't prove much, but my hair has gotten at least a cm longer since I dyed it, because I can see the roots.
By prom, it should be past my shoulders! ha.

Until The Last Of Days.

2009-11-24T15:54:00.002-05:00

I've never blogged from the kitchen before. So, naturally, this seems like an amazing opportunity to do so. My computer is fucked, and, of course, we can't find the warranty information. Meaning, I am stuck with a crappy computer until graduation, when my grandparents buy me a new, nice one.
School really sucks. I'm not as close to my old friends, and each day is the worst day of my life. I'm not saying I'm now an antisocial loser, I talk to many people during the day, but after school, I almost never have plans other than working, or going to dance.
Perhaps this is my senior year reality check. Maybe I am supposed to grow out of sleepovers, and hanging out with someone everyday of the week. Or maybe I have just come to realize that last year, when I wasn't with Alex, I was with Brandon. Yeah, that thought is somewhat depressive. I only know two things for sure; no matter how much time we spend, or don't spend, together, me and Alex are still great friends, and, Shannon will be home in two weeks, so I will have someone to spend all those empty and odd moments with.
I am also very depressed with the facts that I will not be moving out next year. I am staying home, for sure, and going to U of M Dearborn. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that school, but it's never where I really saw myself. I saw myself walking the streets of some campus with excitement all around, or driving home, and walking up three flights of stairs to my apartment.
My main goal in life right now is to move out. And I have made this painfully clear to my family. I vowed to save my money, and have some start up cash to get out, but we know that wont happen. I suppose my only hope is to be dating a guy with an apartment by the time I turn 18, that way I have somewhere to escape to, like Amber.
Oh my silly dreams.

Up at 4 in the AM.

2009-11-22T03:57:00.002-05:00

Most my friends are sleeping, and it sucks having no one to talk to at this time of night, well, morning I guess. Alex passes out at a decent hour, Chelsea is busy with her man so I don't want to bug her, and Shannon, well, he gets woken up every morning at 4:30, so I'm not going to bug him either.
At midnight, I was going to go to bed, but I started reading my new book.
At one, I was going to go to bed, but I got an idea and had to write it down.
At two, I was going to go to bed, but one of my favorite episodes of Roseanne was on.
At three, I was going to go to sleep, but, just my luck, I couldn't and can't fall asleep.

And of course there is no one to talk to at 4 in the morning.
I mean, I am the kind of person that loves getting phone calls in the middle of the night. But not many other people like that.
I hate texting at night, because people always fall asleep on me.

My sleep schedule is going to be so fucked tomorrow night.
So yeah, point, call me at 4 in the morning.
I will probably be awake.

Oh, and here's a picture of a small Thanksgiving meal I made by myself today.
Larry's work gave us a turkey, but we didn't need it, so I decided to make a "Miller Lite Turkey", because that's what I drenched it in when I put it in the roaster.
I am very proud of my dinner.

week 3.

2009-11-21T01:47:00.002-05:00

After looking at my yearbook picture I took a little over a month ago, and this newest picture, I can see my hair has grown quite a bit.
I would wait till Sunday to update, but I am up now, and was getting ready for bed, and had my camera sitting in bed with me, so I took a quick picture. Please excuse the PJ's.

So here's a before and after picture.

week 2.

2009-11-15T02:11:00.003-05:00

week two (: or, like 4 days after I posted week one, but I am going to try to do this every Sunday.

And my hair, I can't tell if it's really grown much, but the texture and stuff has definitely improved.In other news, I know everyone is dying to hear about the goings on in my personal life, and I haven't updated in awhile.

So, Shannon will be home in two weeks, or a month, no set date. I am having the money issues, and can't pay my car insurance on time, causing my mother to get on my case. I got into CMU and U of MD, I decided on U of MD because of like three reasons. (1) It's somewhat cheaper (2) I already have a job here, and would hate to have to find a new one where I actually have to work hard (: (3) I think I would party too much at CMU.
See, my life isn't very exciting. But, I bet it took up at least three minutes to read this, so yeah, took up some of your day.

update.

2009-11-11T15:09:00.001-05:00

week one.

Because Eric caught me being lazy.

2 A Day Keeps The Baby At Bay.

2009-11-01T19:23:00.002-05:00

Well, that is the reason I only take one. I recently did some research and found that prenatal vitamins are good for hair & nail growth, and I am in desperate need for some rapid hair growth, because my hair is currently short and gay.
So tonight I went to my local CVS, where I wandered to the back of the store, and then purchased the prenatal pills. The cashier looked at me, then the box, then me again, and then finished ringing me up without making anymore eye contact.
It was a wonderful experience. Anywhoser. I am going to keep track via blog, and using my shitty digital camera, of my hair growth each week. So every Sunday I am going to try to take a head shot and see if my hair has grown at all, and see if these pills even work.

I just popped the first one. And I am just using a recently shot picture as a starting point.
Here goes nothing.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 11.

2009-10-24T20:27:00.001-04:00

Joe wasn’t home, or that was what the high pitched male voice told me. Joe was home, I heard him in the background. “Just tell her I’m not home.”
Did he really think I wouldn’t hear?
Or maybe he decided to abandon me, like our family had done to him so many years ago. Has it really been five years since he left? I pondered this thought. Five years had gone by so fast. I was twelve then, seventeen now, and I was so innocent. Who would have thought that in just three years I would fall deeply in love with the one man I couldn’t keep forever and always. I know that thought never crossed through my mind at twelve, I was too busy with Barbie’s, and running away from boys on the playground.
Tossing the phone onto the dark wood in the middle of the hall, I glanced up at the clock. It was almost midnight. Almost my eighteenth birthday, and my family was nowhere to be found. I would spend my eighteenth birthday alone.
Knock, knock. A sudden bang on the front door petrified me and caused me to freeze in a defensive position. After a quick recovery, I flicked on the main hallway light and looked through the tiny glass peep-hole.
It was only James, a sudden sigh of relief flew out of my chest. I cracked open the door, only leaving room for my head to pop out. “Hey James!” There was too much excitement in my voice.
“Hey Cass,” he outstretched his right arm towards me, “I was going to come at midnight, but I guess a few minutes early doesn’t really matter.”
My eyes, still in shock that he was at my door, ultimately looked down to see a glittering ball of neatly arranged sunflowers. They weren’t in their natural state. A florist with too much time on his or her hands had taken out each individual sunflower and coated it with a different color glitter.
“Well,” James cleared his throat, “happy birthday!”
And for the first time, in a long time, I cried.

James sat with me for two hours, and let me cry on his shoulder.
“I am such a fool.” I told him.
“A fool?” He asked.
“I fell for a boy, and never accepted him as a man.” I managed to mumble.
“I don’t understand,” James replied.
“Neither do I.” I cried.
I wanted to sleep, right then and there. But James wouldn’t let me. “We have to go Cass, I still have another surprise for you.”
“Okay.” I stood up and opened the front door. “Let’s go.”

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 10.

2009-10-22T19:25:00.002-04:00

“Cass?” Alice waved her free hand in front of my face, and my hand jutted out from under my chin and caused me to almost face plant straight down onto the hard wooden table.
I stood up and began to rummage through my purse, in search of any sort of currency. What are the chances I would actually pull Euros’ out of my purse? “Let’s go.” I pushed my crinkled American bills on the table, and walked towards the door.

When I got home, the house was horribly empty, as usual. I had wished for more siblings, considering, at a younger age my brother Joe had left my family for California.

“You’re a freak!” my dad yelled to my brother one night.
“Oh my.” my mother muttered after my dads outburst.
Luci, who happened to be over at the time, said nothing, and Joe just walked around the corner and up the stairs. As he passed Luci and I, sitting on the bottom step, I noticed he had a smile on his face. Once he reached the top step he let out a sigh and a casual laugh. Not the type of reaction you think he should have to my parents harsh words.
Ever since that night my father never looked at Joe the same. I am pretty sure they never made eye contact. My mother on the other hand was over catering the situation. She is constantly correcting herself to make every word out of her mouth more politically correct. Not to mention, I guess she feels the need to smother him and make him feel even more loved.
My brother is gay, not dieing, but my parents treated him like he has some sort of AIDS you don’t get from being a fag (not politically correct, but what else can I say?). My dad saw him as an outsider, my mother pitied him. Luci, who pretended it never happened until recently, took no position, and as for me, I knew it from the day I caught him sneaking in my room to borrow some pants.
I think I am the only person that treated him the same way. I still think of him as my funny eccentric older brother. But as I said, my dad and mother and I treated. Because, as my father says now a days, I never had a brother. And never will again.

As I walked the barren halls of my house, I became clearly aware that I had only blocked Joe out of my life because my parents had ordered me to. And like a silly young fool, I listened. Listening wasn’t my strong feature today, or many days past, so I picked up the hall phone and dialed the last number in the family phone book, even though our last name was Brass, and pressed the send button.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 9.

2009-10-21T20:08:00.001-04:00

I had never been to this part of town. Everything was lit up, from the smallest corners, to the largest fields. Trees surrounded us, and Christmas lights were in excess at every turn. As if the moon, which was now full and shining bright, wouldn’t unmask this mysterious man, the twinkling lights added an extra touch. They made him shine, brighter, if that was ever possible.
After exiting his car, and walking into the open section of the field, filled with strangers, I could finally get a good look at all his basic outlining features.
His deep voice matched his hard exterior. Almost as tall as one of the trees nearby, and muscular, I would not be shocked if he belong to some sort of fight club. “Pro boxer?” I guessed at some point between the car and field. He snorted lightly and shook his head.
“A dance my lady?” I hadn’t even noticed the music, let alone all the people dancing around me.
I let him take my hand, “Only if I can get some answers.”
He grabbed my extended arm and pulled me close to himself, “Ask me your worse.”
“I got your name, how about age?”
“Ah,” he sighed, “you really don’t remember me.”
It wasn’t a question, more of a disbelief, so I didn’t answer. Just turned my head away as if I was ashamed by this.
“I am twenty years of age. ‘Not too old, not too young.’ as you described it.” That would be something I would say to a guy I chose to flirt with for a night.
“Okay, how did you know where I lived?” I expected him to be embarrassed by this question.
“You gave me your address, as well as phone number, not to mention your life story.” He pushed my body away from his, forcing me to spin under his left arm.
“And you didn’t just call me because…” I slammed back into him.
“I thought this would be more romantic.” He continued to lead my clumsy feat around the grass and gravel dance floor. “Besides, this is just like a dream, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I muttered, “just like a dream.” And right then and there, he dipped me, and we kissed. Under the moon, and stars, and all the twinkling white lights. It was perfect, the perfect dream.

“Too bad that’s all it was,” I explained to Alice the next day over chili cheese fries and coffee.
“Maybe it was a sign,” She tapped her cigarette on the glass ash tray, tossing all the ash into the center.
“Or,” I took a big sip of coffee and widened my eyes, “maybe I fell asleep watching some mushy movie, like The Notebook.”
Alice stared in disbelief that I had shot down her psychic feeling, “I know I usually go along with what you say about ‘signs’ and ‘karma’ but today, I just can’t buy it.”
“Well, at least tell me you told James that the whole pregnancy scare was you being a drunken fool.” She snorted and took a long drag from her newly lit cigarette.
I hadn’t told him, I refused to tell him. I would be angry with him, I thought I had a right to be. Me, pregnant, and drinking! As if. I cannot believe he would think I was that irresponsible. Besides, I had better things to think about dealing with.
Alice went on with her stories about boys and clothes that she had seen earlier that day at the mall, and all I could think about was how I wish I could draw. I had this image in my mind since I woke up, of this mysterious stranger in my dream.
Tall, almost a giant next to me. Thick brown hair that framed his face, and was just a bit longer in the back, than the front. Smooth skin, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and a smile that was somehow present on his face, without his lips ever parting.
Dark eyes. Those dark eyes were what I remembered most. They pierced into me, as if they had known me for years. But I had no way to break through that barrier to get to him. Get inside him, and understand what he was thinking.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 8.

2009-10-20T22:10:00.002-04:00

I didn’t open my window for the stranger, but I flicked on my light, in order to keep him standing in the same place until I could make my way downstairs and sneak out the back door. Quickly, I slipped on my black and silver flip flops, and pulled a light gray sweater over my head. My hair, now pulled up into a messy bun, was embarrassingly filthy.
The sliding door opened with a squeal, which I had been trying to avoid, considering it was almost midnight, and my mother was probably fast asleep.
It was oddly cold outside, at least for this time of year. Early summers in Michigan were always slightly mild, but never this chilled. “Hello?” I stared into the dark yard and squinted hard in order to make out any figures that might have been standing in the yard.
Sticks began to break, and the stiff lawn began to crunch, “Hey Castel.”
I stepped back in shock, my full name. I hadn’t heard it in forever.
“Castel, I know that’s you, so don’t try to runaway.”
Who was this stranger, how did they know me, and my full name? I never told anyone my full name if I had just met them, so I must have known this stranger well. Would that still make him a stranger?
“Castel, you came all the way down here.” He laughed behind his dark shadow. “You might as well talk to me.”
I debated turning away and running for the door, but instead I cleared my throat and in a soft voice asked, “Who are you?” The question was innocent enough.
“You can’t be serious.” Anger grew in his voice.
“I am,” I stiffened in defense, “very.”
“You’re kidding right.”
I stood still, waiting for him to revel himself to me. Instead, he walked towards me, and to my right, leaving the backyard by hopping over our sliver chain link fence.
“What the fuck?” I screeched in his ongoing direction, and immediately began to follow him. As I hopped over the linked fence, two strong hands reached out and grabbed my sides. “Thanks.” I muttered.
“I’m just glad you figured out that I wanted you to follow.” He laughed, soft and deep.
I nodded and pulled up my sinking sweatpants, “You never told me your…”
“I’m Darik, by the way.” A sigh came out of him, and I could see his stance tense up and then relax.
“Oh, well, thanks.” Guilt fell over me, Darik seemed nice enough.
“Don’t feel bad,” it’s like he knew what I was thinking, “you were pretty wasted when we met the other night.”
Before I could respond, he grabbed my hand and dragged me to the street, opened the passenger door to a slightly new, black, Charger, and threw me in.
Here goes nothing, I told myself. And as he turned the key in the ignition, I held my breath and held on for an interesting ride.
“Relax.” He cackled, and gently pushed his foot down on the gas pedal.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 7.

2009-10-19T14:57:00.002-04:00

I spent the day in my bed, sitting cross-legged, and strumming my old Gibson J-50. I got a beat, and I knew exactly what made me angry, but I just couldn’t put any meaningful words together.

Hours passed, and so did my sudden feeling that I could write a new masterpiece. I traded my guitar for the remote, and fixed myself on my bed so I would be able to sit that way, comfortably, for hours.
Tick, and silence, tick, more silence.
“Who the fuck is tossing stones at my window?” I asked the television set I happened to be facing.
Standing up from my bed was an odd feeling. I felt as if I hadn’t moved in hours, in all reality I hadn’t really moved, except to go to the bathroom once or twice. Legs stiff, and butt numb, I wobbled towards my window that faced my dead end street.
I half expected it to be James, begging for my forgiveness. I even had a slightest bit of hope that it was Brody’s ghost, yes, his ghost, not him. But it was a stranger, a complete stranger. A completely, handsome, and wonderful creature, that I could not recognize. I must be loosing all hope if I can’t remember meeting this mysterious man.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 6.

2009-10-15T21:46:00.001-04:00

“Baby!” I screamed out the passenger side window after getting into Alice’s car. “There is no way I am pregnant.”
“Well, if there’s no way, then why am I giving you my last thirteen bucks to buy a pregnancy test?” She turned the key hard in the ignition, put the car in reverse, and slammed her foot on the gas pedal.
The drive to CVS was short and sweet. We both tried to dredge up any memory we could from the previous night. “When did we even come in contact with James?” Alice asked, “Check your phone. Maybe you texted him.”
I flipped the phone open and scanned through all sent text messages. “Shit.” Alice’s slim face shot over for a quick glance, “I did text him.”
“Saying what? You were Prego?” No laugh came with this joke.
“No, telling him I needed a ride home, and where to come get me.” I shrugged, realizing this wasn’t very severe.
“Nothing about being sick or pregnant?” I scanned the rest of my outbox.
“Not a single thing.”
“Ha. Ha.” Alice began to laugh, loud, and deep.
As she hit the breaks and turned around, my head snapped in her direction, “What are you laughing about, I could be carrying Brody’s child and could not even know it!”
“Castle, you’re not pregnant. I just remembered something,” About time, I thought to myself, “you did text him, and when he actually showed up, you flipped. He was about to make a move on you, and you said you were pregnant!”
She pulled over to the side of the road, put the car in park, and bent forward as if she were in pain from laughing so hard. “Alice! This is not at all funny!”
“Yes, Cass. Yes, it is.”
I sat in silence as she put the car in drive.
By the time we got back to my house, I finally begin to see why Alice found this funny. I grabbed my messenger bag and climbed out of her car. “Can’t wait to clear this one up.” And I slammed the door shut.
Alice rolled down her window and shouted to me, “Did you ever know that you’re my hero?”
“Very funny!” I howled back.
“Next time some guy is trying to hit on me, I am just going to tell him I’m knocked up!”
She continued to laugh as the window reached the top of the car frames arch.

An hour later, I walked up to the store. And buy that little stick in a box.
Step one, pee. Step two, wait. Step three, realize it was a waste of time and thirteen dollars.
I now need two things; a cigarette and my guitar. Some serious writing needs to commence.

Did I mention that?
I write, music and lyrics. Just for fun of course. Occasionally I would play for Lucy, or rattle off my latest lines to my mother. This hasn’t happened in about a month though. You would think the death of someone close would inspire me, and fill me with emotions to convey onto paper.
It didn’t though. It basically drained me, and for the first time in a long time, I was filled with feelings. Rage, because James would think I was pregnant and drinking. Sadness, because for about thirty seconds, I was thrilled to possibly be caring Brody’s baby. And hate, for myself, and ever thinking that being pregnant would do anything but make my situation worse.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 5.

2009-10-14T22:31:00.001-04:00

Thin streams of sun broke through my bamboo blinds. It had to be eleven, maybe twelve. I know I didn’t get in till at least three. I also know my mom didn’t question me when I walked in the door. As for everything else that happened last night, that is all a blur.
I recall many beers, and multiple shots. Instead of the usual strangers, I was surrounded by friends, most their faces painted with shock to see me happy. I downed shots; or I must have, because everything about the way I was feeling, told me I downed at least four or five.
“Vv vv v,” I could feel my phone vibrating beneath me. It must be Alice, I told myself, and answered without even looking at the caller ID.
“How much did I drink last night?” I asked, still assuming I knew the callers identity.
“I’m not sure, as much as I had.” It was Alice I heard, but her voice was coming from behind me, in my bed.
“Alice? If you’re in bed with me, then who is on the phone?” I pulled the speaker away, shocked the caller hadn’t hung up yet.
“Cass, it’s James.” Oh great.
“Hey James.” Alice sprang up next to me and crawled to the end of the bed.
“Ask him out.” She mouthed to me with a slight whisper escaping her lips.
“Fine,” I mouthed back. “Hey James, I was wondering if I could take you up on that proposal from last night.”
“Well, actually, that’s why I was calling. I don’t think it would be such a great idea.” There was a short silence on both ends of the line. “You know, after what you said last night.”
“Wait,” I tried to recall every conversation I had had last night. But nothing stood out. I talked to more people than usual, and that was all I could remember. “What did I say?”
“I don‘t think I should be the one to tell you what you said. And maybe you shouldn‘t be drinking so much, it‘s probably not good for the baby.” And the line clicked dead.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 4.

2009-10-13T21:53:00.002-04:00

The letter had the opposite effect then I had planned it to. It was depressing, and begged her to come home. I picked up the piece of paper with both hands, held it in front of my face, and then smashed it into a ball. Frustration was my emotion of the week.
Last week I was sad, the week before I was ridiculously happy, acting as if everything was the same. This week, I was pissed. I tossed the balled up piece of desperation over the front of the desk, hoping a steady flow of customers would come in and help carry it to the nearest waste bin, but no such luck.
When the door did finally creak open, it was only James, lugging a good ten books under each arm. “Trashing the place?” He kicked the paper ball towards the side of the desk that had a door labeled “enter”.
I laughed, “No, I was hoping if I dropped enough on the floor, they would send themselves to Alaska. Then I wouldn’t have to pay the postage.”
My joke was not very funny, and made very little sense. But James humored me, and laughed. He bent over and picked up one of the pages and the same time, and began to read.
Normally, I would consider this a horrible offense, but tonight, I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of here, no arguments, no debates on how upset I sounded.
“Sounds a little, discouraging.” James peeked over the furrowed bit of paper with sad questioning eyes. My luck now a days was running low.
“You think?” I offered, “That’s why it was on the floor.”
“I mean, the content is good. But your tone is all wrong, sounds like you’re begging her to come home.” I laughed at these words, and found it hilarious that I had just been thinking the same exact thing. He set the paper down on the hard wood desk, still looking at me with confused eyes, obviously he didn‘t see how I found this funny. “Cass, you’re so dismayed all the time, you know your eighteenth birthday is next week, want to go out?”
Did he really just slip that in there? I asked myself, “Yeah, I know it’s next week.” And as I tilted my head in confusion and amazement, I noticed my shift was officially over, so I grabbed my messenger bag, keys, and my newest addition to my book shelf. Turning my back to him, trying not to meet his eyes, I made my way towards the front door.
“I’ll see you later James.” I exited the store with a half smile on my face, and some sorrow in my core. I began to feel the space between him and myself grow smaller, I quickened my pace, slamming the door behind me.
As I climbed into my semi new Jeep, I only heard his slight whimper. “Bye Cass.”
I had been breaking James’s heart since a week after I started working at Aldo’s. For a year, I felt his eyes on me. And another year, he prodded me constantly to go out on a date with him. Brody, or no Brody, he wanted to take me out. “Come on Cass, it wouldn’t be a date. We would just be, you know friends.” And I would laugh, play along. Some nights I would even flirt back when he complimented me. But I knew nothing would ever come from it.
After Brody died, he backed off. But, a month had almost passed, so his mourning time was over. Too bad mine wasn’t even close.

“What do you mean he asked you out!” Alice shouted across the booth at our usual night starting point, Rams Horn. This is where we would sit, and observe cute bus boys, plan out our night. Come up with good excuses for our moms when we came home late, or a little tipsy.
I sipped at my sugar, with a little coffee, and stared harshly at Alice. “Quiet down, will you?”
She laughed and rested her tensed body, “And you said no?” Her shock turned to disappointment.
“I didn’t say no,” And she perked up. “I just, kind of, well. I walked out.”
“You just walked out on him? That’s defeating the purpose of these nights.”
I took another sip of coffee, “I hate these nights.”
“We wouldn’t have these nights if I knew guys were asking you out in the daylight.” Alice picked up her coke and sipped on it brutally.
“Alice,” I begged her to not go any further.
“You know what Cass, he’s hot, and older.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a smile, “but only by three years.”
“That must be why you aren’t going out with him. He has a job. He’s nice. He’s hot. And he’s older. Not to mention alive!”
Any other night that would have hurt, but tonight, I was numb.
“I can totally see the reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with him.”
“Alice,” her eyes didn’t meet mine, the barely left the spot on the table she had been staring at for the last ten minutes, “I’ll go out with him.”
“No way.”
I sighed and took the bill that the waitress had just laid down at the end of our table, “Yes way.”
After paying, we walked out to my Jeep talking about our usual subjects, and I erupted. Feet planted and arms slung down to my side. I stopped in the center of the nearly empty parking lot.
“Cass, are you okay?”
“No,” I whispered, “I am not okay. I am sick of being sad, mad, lonely, and any other emotions I have felt in the past month.” I took a deep breath in. “I am sick of sitting in my room, wishing he was still laying on my bed next to me. I am over waiting for my cell phone to ring, and wishing it was his voice on the other end telling me everything is alright and it was just a huge mistake.”
My voice went from a whisper to a low bawl. Alice came next to me and smiled. “Well it’s about time.” She wrapped both arms around me, and laughed.
“He’s dead, I can’t let that keep me from living.” We jumped into my Jeep, and for once, I was excited to go out. To hop from one party to another. To give boys and men my phone number, or asked for theirs in return.
The sorrow I once felt for loosing Brody, now turned into resentment. I was finally free from his grasp, and was in desperate need to move on.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 3.

2009-10-12T23:12:00.001-04:00

The first three hours flew by. The last two, dragged on like they always did. The foot traffic through the front door had come to a complete halt. This was the time of night I hated, because I got to sit down and think about the night I answered one phone, innocent, and dropped it from my ear, heartbroken.

Expecting it to be another person asking for the owner, or if we had a certain book they needed, I answered the phone “Aldo‘s Corner“, I immediately recognized Mr. Bragsted’s voice.
“Hey Mr. Bragsted, I haven’t talked to you in like two weeks!” I whispered into the receiver with great excitement.
About ten seconds passed, enough time for him to tell me what had happened, and the phone fell from my hand. Tracy, the owner, and James, her son, were startled at the sound of hallow plastic meeting the hard wood floor. They looked intently at me for a good thirty seconds, not too sure what was really going on, and then it happened.
My knees gave out, just like they had on the day Brody left me. Luckily James ran over just in time to throw him hands under my arms and carry me to the backroom.
“Cass?” Three different voices repeated my name multiple times.
Feet scattered, and water ran. Phones rang, but no one answered them. Customers came in, Tracy dealt with them.
“He’s dead.” Two words, I said these two words well semi aware of where I was, and suddenly woke up.
“Who’s dead Cass?” James prodded for an answer, hoping it wouldn’t be anything too severe.
“Wait,” Lucy pushed James out of my line of vision, “is it Brody, Cass?”
And I just cried. I cried so hard, they wouldn’t let me drive home. I cried so hard, I wouldn’t let them take me there either. I cried so hard, and they had to lay me down on the desk in the backroom. Laying a dozen paper hand towels under my head as a makeshift pillow. I cried so hard, the customers left. I cried so hard, Tracy closed early for the first time in years. I cried so hard, and they all stayed with me until the clock struck two in the morning, and I realized I would have to go home eventually.

Sitting at the front desk was the worst, especially when the phone rang. Each time I answered it, I feared that something someone said would strike up the emotions I held up all night. Asking for a book on the marines, that would make me nearly pass out. Even asking for a book that reminded me of Lucy, that brought a few tears to my eyes, but I never once let them fall.
I had worked at Aldo’s Corner for nearly four years, ever since freshman year. My love for books, that’s what made it the perfect job. The people weren’t bad either. From the beginning, James befriended me and tried his hardest to make me feel like I belonged there. As a shy fourteen year old, Tracy scared the shit out of me, and majority of the time I had to work alone with her.
Now, shelving books, it’s not that hard. And using a computer database isn’t very difficult either. But when you have a five foot ten woman standing over your shoulder, making sure you don’t make a single mistake, your risk for error is much greater. But I prevailed, and after awhile, Tracy would leave James and I alone to run the shop. And eventually she left me there alone too.
However; this wasn’t something that happened until after Brody had died. I guess she figured I needed some alone time, time to reflect, or even a hell of a lot of time to read, because the nights she scheduled me to work alone were the slowest nights of the week.
Reading was a great pleasure of mine. It was, but no longer is. I tried a few different books, but when I get to the last chapter, I had to put them down. Finishing a book seemed like putting such a permanent end to something I loved, and I am done with permanent endings, at least when it comes to things I love.
Think about it, you finish a book, and you always know the end. You can’t change it. You find it hard to even imagine it ending a different way. And although the fairy tails end, Happily Ever After, they still end.
Lucy felt this way, but that was before Brody’s death.
I had convinced James to ask Tracy to hire Lucy. Tracy was surprisingly anxious to hire her too, once she found out that Lucy had read just about every book in the store. I guess Tracy was getting sick of lying to customers, and telling them, “Oh, why yes. That is the best book I’ve read this year. It’s just so, oh I don’t even have the words.”
Lucy was our go to girl when a customer, or even one of us, had a question about books. Specific or in general. Now, she was a distant memory to the few customers that remembered her, and a exceedingly missed person in the backroom.
I sat at the front desk, and realized an hour had past. Great, I told myself, one more to go. I pulled the messenger bag I had lugged around by my side for the past month or so up to the top of the counter. I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucy for once, so I might as well write her.
I would keep it short and sweet. Not allow too many hints that I was alone a depressed, surrounded by books, and sorrow filled looks.

Dear Lucy,
You sure are well missed, not just by me either, James and Tracy miss you too. Tracy actually makes James read the reviews and Cliff Notes on every book that comes in the door now.
I know you didn’t expect to read a letter from me without hearing about the Brody situation. But I have good news on this home front, Alice has been forcing me to go out now, usually after work. I haven’t really met anyone yet, but she is sure as hell working on it.
Yesterday was spent cleaning out my room, everything that was his went. Even though I told my mother and Alice I rather get rid of my things and keep his. But I did keep a few things. The list includes: the folded flag from his funeral, his messenger bag, any letters he sent me well at his base, one of his green t-shirts that he probably wore while resting on base, and his engraved dog tag he gave me on the day he left.
Seems like a long list, doesn’t it? It did to me, after I wrote and reread it. But compared to what I did have, it feels like he has almost completely disappeared from my life. I guess that was the point.

Much Love. Castel.

Words Your Father Never Told You. Part 2.

2009-10-11T21:42:00.001-04:00

Apparently, the time I thought I was blacked out, my mother thought I was having a panic attack. Due to the fact that I was stuttering and weeping like Brody was already dead. She even debated taking me to the emergency room, thinking that I needed to be put on some kind of medication.
I didn’t need anything that modern medicine could give me. I needed Brody, home, and I knew I would get what I wanted. Maybe sooner than I expected.

“The flowers were beautiful,” A strangers words came towards me as they passed by Brody and I to exit the church.
“I wish you a happy and love filled life,” Another stranger, this one shook my hand and pulled me in for a hug.
I know these people, I thought to myself. Why can’t I put faces to names anymore? Maybe it’s because the only face I wish to see now is laying behind me, is a black wooden casket, draped in an American Flag.
Peoples kind words could not retain me, I turned around and ripped the flag off the coffin, and untidily folded it up. Seeing it made me feel like an actress in a Carrie Underwood music video. And as much as I wished for this all to be “Just a Dream” I knew it wasn’t.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” The next unidentifiable face looked down at the flag in my hands and moved along as quick as he, or she, could to Brody’s father.
My mom made her way up the center isle towards me. “How about I get rid of that for you?” I didn’t disagree, and handed her the disrespected flag.
I followed as she slowly strolled over to Mr. Bragsted. After handing over the flag to it’s rightful owner, I turned away and began for the center set of doors. Two hands folded around my arms, and the feeling was horribly familiar.
“Cass, I want you to have this.” Brody’s dad had already refolded the flag respectfully, and held it out to me.
I spoke the first words I had spoken in three days, “I can’t, it’s for the family.”
“Cass, I have so many things of his. You get this, and may come by the house and take whatever else you want.” He pushed the flag into my chest, not allowing me to walk away without it.
“Thanks Mr. Bragsted.” And I turned away.
He was the nicest man I knew right now, and unlike Brody’s mom, he cared that his son had just died. Brody’s mom didn’t call me to see how I was, she didn’t even call Mr. Bragsted. She didn’t come to the funeral. I doubt she will show up at the memorial for all the marines that lost their life that day.
As my mother and I left the church through the open, white, front doorway, I looked over to her, smiled, and said, “At least Carrie got married before he died.”
My mom took her free hand and smoothed out the back of my hair, patted me on the back and slightly rubbed my shoulder. She did everything a mother could do to comfort her child, and I still felt every stressor in the world crash down on my shoulders. Only, instead of having someone to help with that load, I was stuck, and alone.
The weeks that followed the funeral were also my last two weeks of school. Everyone knew, the downfall of living in a small town. Everyone saw my scene at his funeral. Everyone felt as if they had to apologize to me, like they were the ones who planted the land mines. And everyone was surprisingly understanding when I said I didn’t want to talk about it.
Finals were easy, I only had two, a small perk of being a senior at Stellar High School. Yes, Stellar High School. I live in Stellar, Kansas. Possibly the most boring town in America.
Most students finished the year, and graduated, ready to face the world. The “real world”. Well, as I wrote in my English essay titled “How I Plan to Survive the Real World”, I think I have faced the real world, and I think most people do face it as teenagers. With all of our mood swings and short relationships. We face rejection, acceptation, heartbreak, pain, sorrow, happiness, and tragedy. And we do most of it in the same day, usually without complaint. Because we are teenagers, we can easily weather the rejection and pain, and we can cover it up with the small amusements life brings to us.

Graduation was three weeks ago, and I am wasting my summer away laying in bed, and trying to cry. Yes, I am trying to cry, because I haven’t cried since the day Mr. Bragsted called me with the news. My mom joked the other day that I was, in a way, telling the future when I had my blackout. It was too soon, and I thanked her. I almost cried. But no luck.
Other than sulking in my room, I have found time to work, five days a week if I’m lucky. It keeps my mind off everything that I don’t have anymore. My co-workers don’t seem to understand how I could come into work so soon after such a tragedy, considering that was where I was when I got Brody’s dad’s phone call.
As I thought back to that night, I recalled a lot of things I didn’t realize were happening around me. My mother was cursing at my step dad, telling him this event would haunt me for life. My best friend was speechless, at first, then decided it was the perfect time to reveal to me her plans of moving to Alaska were in high speed, and she would probably be leaving just a week or so after the funeral, not even finishing the school year.
Not only did I loose the boy I was in love with, I was also loosing my best friend, and my mother thought I was loosing my mind. I tried hard to remember that she had these plans before Brody died, and although she was friends with him, her staying home wouldn’t solve any problems. As for loosing my mind, I can’t say I even had it after he left for his base.
I made my way to the bathroom I shared with my mom and step dad, it was a mess as usual. A counter cluttered with hair brushes, cosmetics, and various other toiletries. I hated this, this disorganization. If it were up to me, we would take a family trip to Ikea and sort it all out in nice, neat, containers.
One glance in the mirror, and I remember what my reason was for being in the bathroom in the first place. Time to pin my hair up, in a very unflattering fashion, and head off to work.
My hair was dirty with leftover hairspray, and my faced begged for a brief tanning session. I was pale, and after closing the door and looking into the full length mirror, I had noticed the size of my waist was decreasing dramatically. My eyeliner was smeared, also from the night before, thanks to Alice, I was now going out at least one night a week. Trying to find my “Next soul mate.”
I had known Alice for years, but had never really gotten the courage to spend any time with her outside of school. Once Lucy had left for Alaska, I quickly realized that I couldn’t make it through the summer alone, so I gave Alice a call. Before I knew it, we were closer then I thought we would ever be.
From the very beginning, not a single conversation was awkward. I could be myself around her, and she accepted it. I could complain about Brody, and how he left me here alone, and she didn’t call me selfish or bitter. She listened, and I did my share of observing, listening too, but Alice had a way of moving that was so graceful, and it amazed me. She also had a way of slipping things into a conversation so I would agree to them, without even realizing what I was getting myself into. Like searching for my new soul mate. Thinking of which, I believe Alice and I have another match making appointment tonight after work.
I placed my arms on my hips and bent slightly forward, trying to deny my natural instincts to stand up straight. If I was only six or seven inches taller, I convinced myself, I would make a great model. But, I wasn’t a model, and never would be. By now, I have come to understand that I will be stuck in this small town for most of my twenties and maybe even thirties, serving pizza to selfish unaware customers and tourist.
Hair in an untidy bun on top of my head, and ratty t-shirt draped over my left arm, to throw on when I got to work, I grabbed my keys and made my way to the front door.
“I’m going to work!” I yelled through the house. No one responded, because no one was home. But I wasn’t trying to tell my missing family where I was going. I was just trying to let Brody know what my plans for the night were. And, I have convinced myself, if I try to talk to him long and loud enough, he will hear me. He will care, an although he won’t come back to me, I still have someone to confide in, and someone to keep me behaving and safe.
Man, I must have lost my mind. I was talking to someone who wasn’t around. Some people would call this praying. But I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in ghost. I don’t even believe in love anymore.
As I look at my cell phone to check for any new message, I notice I am late for work. Normally a horrible offense, but everyone is much more understandable at work now a days. Not just to me either, but each employee to another. It’s funny what a strangers death can do to some people. No real connection, and things can take a huge turn, just because a friend of a friend has died.
I had brought this up to Alice once, and she replied, somewhat scared of my reaction. “Maybe it‘s not his death they‘re morning. Maybe it‘s yours.”
Her words shocked me, but once they settled in, I understood them more clearly. I had died. My soul was gone. My loud spirit went with it. I was a different person. And Brody’s passing was the death of me.

Words your father never told you.

2009-10-08T02:07:00.002-04:00

“I love it when you do that.” I whispered into his ear, and his grip tightened around me.
“Do what?” He gasped.
“That.” And I tucked my head into the same place I always did. Just below his collarbone, just above his ribs.
I didn’t need to tell him, and that’s why I loved him. It’s wasn’t just one thing I loved about him in that moment. I loved his voice, and the calmness it contained, even when he was sure to face death sooner rather than later. I loved his smile, and the way it could lift my mood from low and weary, to amused and forgiving of all the people who had brought my day down. And his eyes, I loved his eyes. A shade of blue I had yet to encounter in my seventeen years. Perhaps it was just everything else that I loved that made this simple, subtle, feature seem so much more intriguing, but nevertheless; I loved them.
“Come home to me.” I begged, at no point caring if I was being selfish or not.
He stepped back and took in a long deep breath, “I’ll try.”
That answer wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want him to try. I wanted him home. He hadn’t even left yet, and I wanted him home. Trying, required putting himself in danger, a danger I had only witnessed in nightmares. Bombs dropping, children screaming, the whole operation organized by the United States government.
“I’m scared,” I bellowed. I had trained myself for three days prior to this. I would think of him leaving, and even if I only felt one small tear run down the side of my face, I would make myself feel guilty for it. He is doing what he thinks is right. I would constantly tell myself, simultaneously smacking the side of my head in frustration.
And then he said something I didn’t expect to ever hear him say in his life, “I’m scared too.”
Suddenly a black cloud floated over the exact place we had been saying our goodbyes. It was the first time he had ever been scared. He was always strong, and always led me through the dark ally ways, and pushed away all my fears that shadowed over me through life.
It hurt, to see the pain in his eyes. Pain, like leaving me was taking half of his heart away, if only he knew. My life would not be the same after he left. My days, they’d be longer. My breaths, they’d be deeper, longer, and with each exhale, I would feel my heart breaking just a little more. He would have things to do, and keep his mind, as well as body, busy. I would just lay in bed all day, and write, just a few sad songs or poems.
“I have to go.” He began to draw his body away from mine.
“How about you just stay?” I pushed up against him, close enough to feel a laugh escape from his lips, and then I looked up. In one day, one hour nearly, I had seen so much more of him than I had seen of him in the past two years we had been together.
Tears began to run from his eyes. Any other day I would call him a baby and mutter something like, “You can’t cry, you’re a marine!”. But these words brought tears to my eyes just thinking about saying them.
He pushed me away, and leaned down for a kiss. A rush of emotion over took my body, and I turned my face away in disgust. “Look, I know you want me to stay, but I’m gone in an hour whether you like it or not.” His words bitter and filled with anger.
So I walked away.
He turned and did the same.
“I’ll be back.” He yelled from the end of my driveway.
“Okay Terminator!” I screamed back, and stopped facing my front door. If I could, I would collapse right here, but I prefer to pass out in my comfortable bed.
There was a presence behind me, but before I could turn around something fell around my neck. I touched the cold metal and traced the rectangular outline. Strong hands gripped each of my forearms and turned me around. Before I could refuse, he kissed me. Long and hard.
I knew my mother was watching from the front window, but for once I didn’t care. I didn’t care if she disapproved. I didn’t care if she thought I was wasting my time. I didn’t care if she found our acts of public displays inappropriate.
“Bye.” He turned towards the cab that had been waiting for at least twenty minutes.
And I stood silent on my front porch until the cab pulled away, and made it’s way down the street. I probably stood there without saying a word, or having to wipe a tear away from my dry face, until the cab dropped him off at the airport.
“Castel?” My mothers usual whisper was softer and less bitter than usual. Hearing my full name made me finally breakdown and start crying. No one used my full name, except my mom when I was in trouble.
In the past two years, the only other person to call me Castel was Brody. All my other friends just called me Stell, or Cass. But in all honesty, that was all it took. My mother calling me by my full name.
Before she could walk me through the front door, my knees gave out. My breaths grew deep and staggered. And everything went black.

improvement

2009-10-04T23:46:00.001-04:00

as to recording a whole other song, I can't make any promises. But, I rerecorded this one a little better.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2009-10-01T20:38:00.002-04:00

I found the following survey in my FaceBook history from last June:

How can I win your heart?
You would have to be pretty awesome to steal it from my man.

Do you like being mean?
I hate it.

When was the last time you really laughed?
Hmmm, talking with Eric and Nicole about Don's adult illiteracy.

Who knows a big secret about you?
Alex.

How long is your hair?
Just past the shoulders.

Do you like anyone now?
Sure do.

What did you have for breakfast?
A bagel and cream cheese.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Not even close.

Did you have a nap today?
I woke up for like an hour, and then took a half hour nap.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans.

When is your birthday?
August 3rd.

Do you think you're life will change dramatically before 2010?
Yeah, last year of high school.

Do you want someone you cant have?
No. I can have anyone. I got someone.

Are you a social or antisocial person?
Antisocial in most settings, but things depend as always.

Have the cops ever come to your house?
No.

Do you always wear your seat belt?
Always, except in Brandon's van.

What are you listening to right now?
Elisa :D

Can money buy happiness?
It can cause others that you dislike unhappiness, in return making you happy. Therefore, making you happy... YES, it has it's ways!

Are you looking forward to anything?
Getting my hair done, Jake's grad party, senior pictures, my birthday... long list.

List one of your fears?
The dark.

How are you?
My feet hurt, and all I can think of is peperoni pizza's, gah.

Anyone you would like to get things straight with?
No, I'm good.

Are you easy to get along with?
I try to be. To some I am too quiet, to others I'm too weird.

Will this Friday be a good one?
NO WORK! lol, I will probably just end up going bowling or to the movies with my lover.

Are you a loud person?
Usually, unless I am around new people.

How late did you stay up last night?
I think I passed out at like 12.

Any plans for tomorrow?
Hmm, sleeping in. Work 4 till 10 :D (more hours = great).

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yes.

What happened at 9:00 am today?
I woke up and read a couple chapters of my new book.

Do you like to cuddle?
Usually.

When will your next kiss be?
Hmm, tomorrow or Wednesday.

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
Not too much.

You had sex last night, didnt you?
Umm, no. I don't think so at least.

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
Work today.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I'm sure.

Do you believe in karma?
Ha, after the other day? YES!

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
No way.

Has anyone put their arm around you in the past 5 days?
Yes.

What do you introduce yourself as?
Hmm, at Kyle's grad party I introduced my self as "Carley, Brandon's girlfriend."
But I usually say "Hey I'm Carley."

Do you live at home with your parents?
Unfortunately.

Have you ever found yourself somewhere and not remembering how you got there?
No.

Ever been arrested?
Nope.

Do you enjoy staying at home or hanging out with friends more?
I like to go out, anything to get out of my house.

Anyone you're giving up on?
I have my moments and thoughts, but they always pull through.

Do you like Subway?
I love it.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Kind of. I get past it.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Oh yes.

Can you sleep without blankets on you?
Nope.

Do you like to hold or be held?
Be held.

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Every time.

Would you go back in time to change anything?
Probably not.

Is it hard leaving people behind?
I've tried, and failed many times.

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?
Everyday of my life.

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
Sure thing.

The last person you kissed on the lips said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
Yeah.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
No, every few weekends though.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
Yeah.

Are you against drugs/drinking/smoking?
Some drugs/ No/ And No.

Do you have trust issues?
Many.

Who is the last person you messaged on myspace?
Eric?

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
These shorts used to be Chad's. I stole them years ago.

What are you wearing, in detail?
Blue basketball shorts, Pudge Tigers shirt.

Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex?
Sure.

Have you ever had seagulls attack you at the beach?
Negative.

Are you a jealous person?
I can be.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Brandon.

Last person you shared food with?
Hmm, Brandon?

Have you ever dated the same person more than twice?
Yeah.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Very.

Are you satisfied with your life as of now?
Mostly.

Who was the last person you wanted to hit, and why?
Some guy that ordered at my work... Because I know he said Mushroom on all of the pizza, and all the Peperoni on one half.

The shirt your wearing, does anyone else have it?
A ton of people.

What were you doing at 3am?
Sleeping.

What movie do you really want to see right now?
The Hangover, again.

What was the last thing you drank?
Slurpee!

What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Took some headache meds.

If you could make your lips bigger, would you?
No, they are already pretty large.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Very much.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
Not really, just when the people I kind of know say hi.

After reading this I realized like two things, but one major.
I read the question "Do you think you've changed over the past year?
Not too much." And I realized, I have changed more as a person in the past three months then I had all of my junior year. I can honestly say I regret that.
I am more outgoing, more independent. I am a less nervous person, and it's easier to talk to new people. Not to mention it's nice not having a boyfriend for once. I can basically do whatever I want, whenever I want, and no one is there to complain about it. This is going to be a great year, whether anyone wants it to be or not.

Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

2009-09-29T16:05:00.001-04:00

What is love? Its been described as a tingly feeling, a punch in the gut, or a somewhat magnetic pull that attracts to it’s polar opposite. An although I feel I have been in love, I have never had these feelings when meeting someone’s eyes at first sight. Instead of waiting a lifetime to feel these somewhat unreasonable symptoms, I will lead myself to love, and no matter what all might say, it is possible to lead oneself to love.
A man must pass my checklist of love to even be considered for a chance of winning my heart. He must make me laugh. He must be able to make me smile. I can’t stand a relationship unless it contains, many disagreements, at least one quarrel a week, and threats to leave the other every other month.
It is these imperfections that we fall in love with. And maybe these imperfections are why I believed I was in love in the past. Yes, I am contradicting myself. But, I have honestly been convinced that these things are what make people fall in love.
Fatal attraction, that’s what they call it. So why shouldn’t some of a relationship be lethal? I suppose it is possible that this tingly feeling exist, but I have never felt it, so how could it be real? I have been in love after all, or maybe I just had love for that person, and never really fell into it. Perhaps that is what makes it fatal, the falling part. I suppose I only walked into it, or was brought into it, just like my mother bringing me into the world.
From the day I was born, I loved her, but there was no falling required. No risk of injury, no chance of rejection. It was just love, the only love at first sight I am sure I have experienced.
Looking is hard, maybe I’m just looking too hard.
It could be right in front of me, or down the street.
All I know is, love is not here, and that is exactly where I want it.

Sleeping Sickness

2009-09-27T21:20:00.003-04:00

Or Sickness, causing me to lose sleep.
My left nostril is horribly clogged, sorry for the graphic terms, but it is bugging the shit out of me.
Central was fun, I got to hangout with my friend Danielle and have good talks about things like guys and dance. Although our fun was interrupted by a very drunk girl who found out her friend stole her car/phone.
I somehow convinced my mom to let me stay a whole weekend out there, hoping that Danielle can introduce me to a nice college boy.
I also convinced her to let me stay home from school until 5th hour, or 12:10.

Shannon, my marine, isn't coming home as soon as I thought. This just about crushed my day. He also can't text anymore, which is how he was keeping me updated. So, these two months need to come and go.

"But I need to know,
That you'll come back to me...
In my arms,
Oh, you'll come back to me"
- Elisa

2009-09-23T23:30:00.005-04:00

So, I was laying in bed less than like ten minutes ago and got this idea.
So, like usual I wrote it down, but unlike usual it actually went somewhere.
So what did I do? I recorded it.
Yeah, I know, this is a first.
And my voice isn't so great.
Not to mention, while singing the last line, I messed up.

But, here are the lyrics, and I am trying to upload the clip.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Laying in bed
Staring off into space
Doesn’t take much time to imagine your face
Lying next to me
Happy like we used to be

In my room
These four walls closing in
It’s my personal tomb
And I’m lying here
You’re not next to me
Like you always used to be

And I whisper
Into the empty air
Yes I whisper
The spirits I try not to scare
Please come back to me
Loved things the way they used to be

Ceiling fan spins at steady pace
And I can’t seem to forget that look upon your face
You were next to me
Scared, you never used to be

Lights shine in
Your smile disappears
My cheeks moist
With your tears
They just came to me
Things are nothing like they used to be

why yes sir, my camper is happy.

2009-09-23T18:52:00.003-04:00

I am unbelievably happy right now.
My senior picture went great.
I have Arby's sitting next to me.
And the best news yet, Shannon is probably coming home.
He might be getting a medical discharge from the Marine's(:
This days has gone from horrible to amazing.

Now if this laundry would just wash itself.

Gone,

2009-09-22T21:42:00.001-04:00

Well lucky you, off to a distant land
Here I’m stuck in my hometowns watchful hand
Who would have thought we’d only have a day
Till you would kiss my lips, then whispering
Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon, just don’t count the days

The days, written in the back of the notes I take in class
Crossing each out on a day to day base
Maybe I’m too anxious
You would say I’m just young
Lingering over those two last days of fun

Summer ended weeks ago
But somehow when you were here, it didn’t show
It didn’t show
Now you’re gone, and here I am
Waiting for a call, a word, to know your fate isn’t damned
I know I’m naive, and you are so strong
Please come back, when these winter days are gone

A single call could bring me to my feet
Glowing a happy, just look at me
You would swear I had conquered some great deed
That same connection, brought me to my knees
Begging a God I don’t pray to, to take my pain and replace it with ease

Summer ended weeks ago
But somehow when you were here, it didn’t show
It didn’t show
Now you’re gone, and here I am
Waiting for a call, a word, to know your fate is no longer damned
I know I’m naive, and you are so strong
Please come back, when these winter days are gone

Days I have crossed out in class
All of them have come and passed
But you’re still not home, you haven’t come back to me
Another call, this one from across the sea
Five bucks a minute, seems like a small fee

Winter ended weeks ago
When you were gone, I know it showed
Now you’re back, you’re waiting there
At the end of an isle, with a joyous stare
I know I’m naive, and you are so strong
You came back from me, those long winter days gone

Stand, Run, Walk.

2009-09-19T14:56:00.001-04:00

I run
With you next to me
Taking shape
This day, it feels meant to be
We’re side by side
Where we’ll stay for life
You may grow sick
Of my childish games
My twisting of words, my reversal of sayings
But as long as everything points to happiness
Forever, you will run next to me

I stand
With you across from me
Familiar eyes
Meeting again
We’ve met, but never thought anything would come to be

I walk
With you behind me
Another stranger on the street
You’re with another her that isn’t yet me

Congress & SADD

2009-09-17T18:22:00.003-04:00

First congress meeting was today, we accomplished a ton:
New York, New York theme dance.
Same theme for pep assembly.
Smile by Uncle Kracker is the song for homecoming.

SADD's first meeting was today too:
Watched a slide show.
Very surprised when a picture of me from prom popped up on the screen.
Oh, and I spilled my pop twice.

It should be a funnnnnnnnn and very busy year.
It will all work out (:

Things to do in the next month:
Buy shoes for homecoming.
Get a tanning package.
Save for parking pass.
Get car insurance paid.
And I would say get a date, but by choice, I am going stag (:

Man Eater.

2009-09-13T13:14:00.003-04:00

I will admit. I suppose I rushed into a relationship after breaking up with Brandon. So I have decided it is in my best interest to stay single and free for awhile. Maybe go on a date or two.
This decision was made at Rams Horn last night, while Alex and I ate potato skins and drew on our place mats.
Rams Horn. I will switch the subject of this entry to Rams Horn. It's where me and Alex go at least once a week. And I drink countless cups of coffee.
Last night; however, both bus boys/ coffee fillers, were extremely hot.
So before we left, I wrote a little note on my place mat, reading "I ♥ any guy that refills my coffee." And as we walked out of the store I looked back at both guys cleaning off our table, and made eye contact with the really tall hot one.
I think Rams Horn will be our new Saturday night tradition.

it's what i got, then i gave up.

2009-09-09T16:47:00.000-04:00

So one day I’m not good enough
The next you want me in your bed
Baby I know these games you’re playing
Honestly, it’s making me go mad in the head

I could say I’ll always love you
Even when you’re throwing me aside
Honey, I’m not letting you get away with it
Trying to steal away my pride

talk about easy,

2009-09-08T18:55:00.002-04:00

This was probably the best day of school I have ever experienced.
First hour, we sat there in the back of my teacher's Algebra 1B class, because we haven't been assigned a classroom yet.
Second hour, we chilled in the LMC and told the librarians a little bit about ourselves.
Third hour, we interviewed another person and presented to the class.
Fourth hour, my teacher told us that if someone asks us to add 11/16ths and 25/9ths, to give them the finger and tell them to switch to the metric system.
Lunch, we claimed 2 tables, and scared some freshman that decided to sit at the end of one.
Fifth hour, we ran passes from the offices, and talked about college stuff.
Sixth hour, well, as interesting as pre-calculus is, we got called to an assembly for seniors.

This is it, 156 more days of school to go.
268 days in general.

After I got home today, I slept from 3 till 6, so hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight.
But, Flipping Out is on at 10 (:
Goodnight.

Truck beds.

2009-09-06T23:59:00.004-04:00

"I'm a thourough-bred
That's what she said
In the back of my truck bed
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds
Out on some back country road.
We where flying high
Fine as wine, having ourselves a big and rich time
And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.
But her evaluation
Of my cowboy reputation
Had me begging for salvation
All night long
So I took her out giggin frogs
Introduced her to my old bird dog
And sang her every Wilie Nelson song I could think of

And we made love"

This morning, I woke up in Jeff's truck bed.
I woke up wearing a mystery hoodie, that no one would claim as their own.
There was a mysterious liquid, a shade of brown, ready to drip onto my head.
I sat down to eat breakfast, I belched so loud Derek blamed it on Jeremy, and then I decided to rest my head on the table. In return, falling back asleep on the table me and Alex were eating on.
It was a great way to spend the last weekend of summer vacation, and I got lots of pictures, all up on Facebook.
Work tomorrow, it should be as boring as any other Monday.
Bed around nine, school Tuesday at seven twenty five.

move on, or out.

2009-09-03T22:13:00.002-04:00

So, I filled out an application online today for Central Michigan University. My grades aren't as great as they should be, but I still have a decent shot at getting in.
My mother however has denied to pay the application fee, because she is dead set on me staying home and going to University of Michigan Dearborn. And even if I do go there, she has threatened to take my car away if I try to move out.
So here's my thing. Nothing against U of MD, but I really do not want to go there. I really do want to get out of my house, and even if that means asking my dad if I can move in with him, I will do it.
Most would say I can't afford to move out on what I make. But to be honest, I would take a second job (which I plan on doing next summer, and saving all earnings) to pay the bills.
Ugh, it has been a bad night.

goodnight.

Happy september.

2009-09-02T00:46:00.002-04:00

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
Sure, why not?

Have you done anything sneaky lately?
Yeah, probably.

Is love really worth fighting for?
Yeah, always.

Have you broken the law in the last 3 days?
Yes, I speed.

How many cigarettes have you smoked today?
None.

At your best friend's house, do you know where they keep their silverware?
Yes sir.

What color is YOUR hair?
Eh, it's fading to a reddish brown.

Do you look decent when you wake up?
Now I do, since I got my new hair cut.

Say you marry the last person you texted, what's your new last name?
Armbrust.

Are any of your texts in your inbox locked and why?
None, I feel no need to forever save text.

What's the last thing you laughed really hard over?
That 70's Show.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
No, I forgot to shut the shade last night, so the sun woke me up.

If you could go back in time, how far back would you go?
I don't think I would.

If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard could you still type?
Kinda.

Do you wear your seat-belt in the car?
Always.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?
Nah.

In the past week have you cried?
I've come close, I never really break down now.

When is the next time you'll fly on a plane?
God, I have no clue.

Does someone like you right now?
Yes, I do.

Do you think you will be married in 5 years?
Who knows?

What were you doing at 12:00 last night?
Coming home from taking Kyle to Al's house.

Do you like anyone right now?
Of course.

Do you ever think about the past?
Yeah. I am trying to get past it.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
That 70's Show.

Last person you hung out with?
Alex.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?
Sure, I don't think she would want to though.

Would you ever eat a bug for 1,000 dollars?
Yeah.

Do you have any older siblings?
One.

How did you get your last bruise?
Um, I burned my neck with the curling iron.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
Eh, pretty much.

Are any of your friends taller than you?
All of them.

Facebook Addict

2009-08-31T14:22:00.002-04:00

I can honestly not wait for school to start. I need more of a life.
In the past three days, two people have brought to my attention that all their "Highlights" on their home Facebook page, is full of all my stuff. So, I need a little Facebook intervention and break.
School starting means less time to post notes, pictures, and update my status.
School starting also means new faces and company, considering I am doing council and shit I plan on making quite a few new friends.

Anywhoser, me and Kyle were at DAV thrift store on 98cent day. And found these awesome gowns. Makes it all kinda seem real. Not to mention my mother is already planning the graduation party.
Party sub, Swedish meatballs, shrimp cocktail, and lots and lots of alcohol.
I'm talking kegs, jungle juice, and for those with a softer side... wine coolers! Ha.
Everyone's invited. Let's see if I can make it till the party, I am sure the year will drag on.

new clothes

2009-08-27T18:00:00.002-04:00

Today's shopping experience was successful, yet sad. I could afford; two pairs of jeans, 4 shirts (one that I have to take back), some new cute undergarments, and one headband.
Going back tomorrow to return the ugly blue shirt, that looks better on the rack, and buy these really cute cowgirl boots.
On a good note, I got my schedule, and although I don't really think Community service (working with the special ed kids), and debate, won't be that fun. I am sure it is going to be a very easy year.

1st hour - Community Service FHS
2nd hour - LMC 1 (sitting in the library, checking out books for people)
3rd - Debate (We have like 3 debates the whole semester)
4th - Physics (Mythbuster Friday's and movies 3 out of 5 days)
5th - Student Leadership (Handing out passes, helping with congress and council stuff)
6th - Pre-Calculus (The only hard class I have)

After school activities will include:
Work, twice a week.
Dance, just ballet on Tuesday.
S.A.D.D, meetings on Thursday after school.
Congress, meetings like once a month.
Senior class council, one or two meetings a week.

It's going to be a busy year, and I am very happy about it.

2009-08-21T22:15:00.003-04:00

"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." - Lynn Hall

These words really inspire me. I embark upon the upincoming year with a few wise words in my mind.
“We're frightened of what makes us different.” - Anne Rice quote

I will no longer fear being different as I walk the halls. To tell you the truth, I have wasted to much time worrying what people at school think, when majority of them don't. I won't be mean, I will use a smile as my biggest defense.

"Thomas Edison’s last words were: “It’s very beautiful over there.” I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful." - John Green

I can't wait for my future, but, the future loves to be waited for. I don't know what school I am going to, or if I will move out. I am not sure if I will work enough to make rent, or even keep the same group of friends. But I look forward to finding the unknown.

It's all a mystery to me, this coming year. It's hard to believe that only one year from now, I will be looking for my own place to live, whether it be with roommates or alone. Buying books for college. And trying to convince my family that I'm going to move out as soon as I can.

abc

2009-08-13T22:56:00.003-04:00

So I decided to clean an organize my room. Got rid of my two dressers, added an old vintage wood five drawer. In addition, I alphabetized my DVD's and books (by author's last name, and title). I also put a bunch of stuff in the "Garage sale" box, which will be next weekend, you all should stop by.

Anywhoser, I looked at my school calendar today
Important dates:
August 26th - Schedule pick up.
September 8th - First day of school.
September 25th - Alex's birthday.
October 16/17th - Homecoming game/ dance.
November 26th - Thanksgiving.
December 25th - Christmas.
January 26/27/28th - Finals.
April 2nd through 9th - Spring break, in Florida.
May 27th - Prom.
June 1st/ 2nd - Senior finals.
June 5th - Commencements.\

I know it's a little far away, but as of September 8th; 157 days of school till graduation, 268 days till graduation (:

I am soooooooo happy right now.

senioritis.(and some old random pictures)

2009-08-12T14:04:00.009-04:00

The list of senior year events makes the coming school year look so short. But I know the truth. Even if the first semester goes by fast, the second will drag itself out.Oh the sex, drugs and alcohol, it will be a great year. And I will miss Franklin, just not the people. After commencements are over, I plan to drive out of the parking lot with one hand on the wheel, and the other out of the window with the middle finger in the air. My friends agree with this plan.

Senior party planning. My mother and step mother have already started doing it. Yes, I will be having two parties. And mother has promised a keg and lost of alcohol. Not to mention a great basement for everyone to crash in. And guess what?! Everyone is invited.
I guess I am a little ahead of myself. So here is a update on my current life; I'm am quickly running out of money. My room is a horrid mess. I need a remote for my TV. And I still have no True Blood source, and I hear things are getting fucked, literally and figuratively. And, fml, because the lady at the glasses place took every pair of glasses I picked out and called them ugly. I settled for a pair of black frames that are a little bigger, and am going to another place to find some retro ones.

Peace.

Flash back to dial up

2009-08-02T19:55:00.002-04:00

I am using dial up for the week. It is slow as fuck. As I wrote those first two sentences, the page was still loading. Anyways. I am bored, and kind of depressed because I found out that other than my birthday dinner and cheesecake tomorrow with the family, I am going to be alone in this cabin on my birthday night. Watching Roseanne no doubt.
Last night I watch Euro Trip and Zack and Miri Make A Porno, then fell asleep to Roseanne, only to awake on the couch at one in the morning to more Roseanne. And as I moved from the couch to the main bedroom, I contemplated grabbing one of the brownies I made yesterday.
I have completed various writing projects. About five, and if you're lucky, I might post something. Even though, according to Kyle it doesn't make sense and "Isn't his favorite." Whatever. I thought it was decent.
Only the plus side, I threatened to bite some middle aged woman today.
Our cabin is right on the water, we own up to the shoreline, and my family isn't to picky on people walking on "Our beach" But there are a group of people called S.O.S (Save our shores). They think that they own past the shoreline and into the water, impossible. Anyways, they don't like dogs, or people, walking on their "property". So I took Sckully for a walk and some lady was like "You better watch that dog, and clean up it's poop." And then she muttered under her breath, "I bet it would bite me if it wasn't on a leash." So I got kind of mad because Sckully of all dogs is so nice.
So I walked up onto this ladies land and dropped the leash and said, "Lady, I would bite you before my dog did. And I clean up my dogs shit." And I pointed out the plastic bag tied to the leash.
That was the highlight of my day. I threatened to bite some lady.
Anyways, here is one of the better things I came up with yesterday.
"You think you’re some kind of Superman
Trying to do what others can’t
So is it worth it
Risking life
Living on the edge
Nothing tying you down
What about the one who wanted you around

You’re not all you’re cracked up to be
Fly round the world
At a birds level of free
It just isn’t fair
And everywhere you go
You go knowing I can’t be there

Die in a second
Tell me
What’s your kryptonite
I just might use it to win my inner fight
Bring you home
Poison your world
Then save it to be called your lucky girl

You’re not all you’re cracked up to be
Fly round the world
At a birds level of free
It just isn’t fair
And everywhere you go
You go knowing I can’t be there

So try to apologize
Through letters and calls
I wont be there
But I wont be far at all
Down the street with your best friend
You left me for the world
So I guess I’m not really parting you for him

You’re not all you’re cracked up to be
Fly round the world
So at ease, so free
It just isn’t fair
And everywhere you go
From now on, I wont try to be there"

It's not really about Superman, I was just watching Superman Returns as I wrote it.
I mean, it's really about a girl, and she wants this guy to stay around, even if it means giving him the one thing that can kill him just so she can save him. All in all hoping he will want to stay around with her.

Blackout.

2009-07-28T00:12:00.003-04:00

So I decided to just start typing in a new blank word document. No idea really where I was going with it. The thought of like getting in a car crash came to mind. As I was thinking about that, I realized that if I was in a car crash I would really want to just pass out and not have to deal with everything that was going on around me.
I usually don't explain my writing, but this one may confuse. Basically the first half is talking about a person in a car crash that wasn't driving, and couldn't stand the surroundings, and also was a risk of blaming him or herself for the crash.
The second half could be seen one of two ways. (1) Someone does blame the passenger in the car and takes it out on him or her for the distant future. (2) It could also be portrayed as a totally separate story, just two examples of times you may want to just blackout.

Black out, and close your eyes
It will be over before you know it
Shut it out, turn it down
The noise will disappear soon enough
Think of her, remember him
Time will pass faster
Slower if you don’t

Want it to disappear, then you have to
Just listen to my every word
It will go by faster than you think
It wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault

Shattered glass, broken skin
Screams aimed to no place in particular
Your not the captain at the helm
Maybe this is what destiny had in store

Black out, and close your eyes
It will be over before you know it
Shut it out, turn it down
The noise will disappear soon enough
Think of her, remember him
Time will pass faster
Slower if you don’t

Want him to disappear, then you have to
Just listen to my every word
He will go away fast than you think
It isn’t your fault
It isn’t your fault

Hard fist, soft skin meet
Maybe destruction isn’t what he sees
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder
Black a blue grow together
Your face is his canvas

You want it to disappear
Memories and all
Listen to my every word
It will never go away
But it isn’t your fault
It was never your fault

textfromlastnight.com

2009-07-22T23:27:00.002-04:00

It is the new Fmylife.com.
Here are some funny ones I found tonight.

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

(508): I'm so horny!
(781): I'm so hungry
(508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
(781): For your pussy...

(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

(559): Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

(402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

(404): I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
(770): she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
(404): You KNEW her power was out...

(858): Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

(607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits.

(763): there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it

(347): you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.

(571): he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

(651): So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

(516): i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

and one last one.

(516): I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

Why does it always rain on me?

2009-07-21T12:49:00.001-04:00

Was it because I lied when I was 17?

Well a sudden forecast for thunderstorms and rain has caused us to cancel our trip to Cedar Point.

what to do for writers block.

2009-07-17T01:47:00.004-04:00

Most writers read another book. Listen to music. Watch a movie. Rest their eyes. And I usually play Crazy Taxi on Facebook. But I did something stupid today, I started to write another freaking story. And it isn't even that great, because no one can read it. Except maybe Alex and my mother. So I got a chapter down, and I could probably write another tonight, but I don't want to start it and have to finish it tomorrow.
SO, yeah, I don't know why I shared. Maybe because no one will be able to read it unless I get it published.

"A friend once told me, “I bet I will publish a book before you do.” And although I agreed I argued, “Sure, but mine will be more successful than yours.” The debate continued. Maybe she was right, her book would be fact, and mine would no doubt be fiction. And as Alex would put it, “People rather read about something that has, or is, really happened.” For all I knew, she could be right. So I could ditch the fictional story I have been working on for the past six months, and put it on the back burner. Perhaps it was time to forget all the hard to get girls, and strong, strangely attractive guys. It was time to write about something I have experienced, and know about."

oh she's only seventeen.

2009-07-16T00:08:00.002-04:00

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
alex.

Your ex says they never even liked you, you say?
sure.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
canada.

What would you do if a crazy person ran at you with a knife?
scream.

Have you ever taken someone back after they hurt you?
yes.

How did you wake up this morning?
I wasn't tired anymore.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?
a few people.

Are relationships ever really worth it?
yes.

When was the last time you were in a very good mood?
working out. running always puts me in a great mood.

Were you single last summer?
nope.

Do you like thunderstorms?
I love them (:

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
mom.

What's the weather like outside?
it's dark, and not that hot.

Are you someone who worries too much?
I am someone that likes to know exactly what is going to happen and how to deal with it. I am also trying to change.

Are you wearing something you borrowed from someone?
nah.

Do you think this year will be better than the last?
god yes! senior, finally.

Do you believe in love?
yeah.

When was the last time you saw your father?
a couple weeks ago.

Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around?
yes.

What was the last thing you bought?
a pop from work.

What was the last thing someone bought for you?
hm, mom bought me hot dogs, yeah.

Have any memories that you'd like to forget?
about a year and five months worth.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
not at all.

Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?
yes, but I am really too shy to ask.

Have you ever been called prince or princess?
sarcastically.

Want someone back in your life?
no, I got them back.

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
yeah.

How fast does your mood change?
it can change very fast, very.

Do you need to say anything to someone?
yes, "You are a fucktard."

Do you want someone to call you right now?
yeah, but their phone is dead.

What do you want for your next birthday?
I really just want everyone to remember and do something little for me, it would be nice.

Do you get drunk every weekend?
no.

What do you always take with you?
phone, car keys, glasses.

Who was the last person to text message you?
angela.

Are you a jealous person?
I can be.

Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?
write!

Would you say you're an understanding person?
very.

Do you have any brothers?
a step brother.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
my next one is going to be a slipknot quote probably.

What are you looking forward to the most in the next seven days?
cedar point in like exactly 7 days!

Nickname you're called the most?
car - with my friends.
fun size (or something weird) - at work.

Who do you miss the most?
muh kyky.

How often do you do laundry?
a couple weeks, a really stretch it out. I had to do it today because all I had to wear were leggings and a old pom shirt.

Last thing you ate?
cucumbers and ranch.

Have you ever drove someone else's car?
my mom and dads.

What do you hate the most about girls?
drama.

Did you have a good day yesterday?
yes.

How are things between you and the person you like/love/are with?
things are great and will be better when he is back from canada.

Have you ever intentionally made someone jealous?
I try at times.

What never fails to make you cry?
panic attacks, stress.

Are you talkative?
depends on who I'm with, unless I'm drinking, then I am very open.

Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand it?
nah.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
I really will tell guys everything about myself if they ask, it's easier to open up to them.

Who was the last girl you talked to?
amber.

Does anything on your body hurt right now?
my arms are sore.

Do you listen to love songs when you're down?
no, I try to avoid them and play something a little harder.

Next vacation you're going on?
up north /:

If you could have one thing right now, what would it be?
$500 to buy new clothes.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name?
no one.

Who has a nickname instead of their real name?
eric, he is "mr. handsome". Why? idk, I think he told me to put him in as mr. handsome or captain sexy.
jordan, he is "the prodigy". Why? because he is.

Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
yes, a lot.

How many pillows on your bed?
four.

Who was the last person you took a photo of?
amber and katie.

Who was the last person to text you? What did it say?
angela "kathy had her baby!"

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
nope.

Has someone ever told you they love you and you didn’t say it back?
yes.

Is anything bothering you?
yeah, kinda.

Is anyone else in the room with you?
nope.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot?
now.

What's your favorite drink?
lemonade.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
what time is it?

Are you satisfied with your life?
pretty much.

What were you doing at 7AM?
sleeping.

Wearing any bracelets?
a hair band.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
sleeping.

Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don't like?
yes, very.

(:

2009-07-12T11:21:00.000-04:00